Monday, November 17, 2014

In Pierce County The Best Victims Are Dead Victims



  I was told if I spoke up about what was happening to me I would be sorry....

  If you have read this blog from the beginning, you know it is not the first time I have heard that threat. You also know that that would never stop me....

  I have spent my entire life living under the threat of what would happen to me if I told...if I expressed the truth... Once I had escaped it I could never go back to that fear.  I will not do that for anyone or under any threat. No.

   So, an update on crazy:

    If you live in Pierce County you have a right to know. You have become involved whether you wish to be or not. This journey into surreal happenings continued as I went through the process of divorce.

   I appeared in Judge Stolz court room for pretrial. I had made a motion for a continuance so that I might retain counsel. My attorney had unexpectedly and without warning withdrawn for personal reasons having nothing to do with this matter. I was not given the 10 days that were required by law. Judge Stolz did not care.  She immediately denied my motion, stating that she had already made her decision before ever taking the bench. I was not allowed to be heard and her attitude towards me was...aggressive and surprising. She was curt to the point of ruddiness and I had no idea as to why. She argued my estranged husband's case for him.... I was...well again, shocked. I have no history with her or the court. I have no police record of wrong doing. I came to the court an equal to any other, or so I thought. In retrospect I should have known.  I tend to see each person I deal with, each department of Pierce County government as autonomous. This would prove an error on my part.

   That Judge Stolz would hold such a negative impression of me based on no interactions and very little in the file before her was as telling as it was shocking. I was simply attacked out of hand. What is one to do?

   Let me just say this here again...this is hard. It is brutal and punishing. I have lost so much that I love through all of this. I am harangued on social media. Threatened and bullied. I have had my finances and possessions plundered. Those who hold themselves out as supportive to domestic violence victims have turned their backs.... Everything has a price and telling the ugly truths carry the highest of all. This is not "fun" or exciting. It is scary and grueling and lonely.

   That will not stop me though. Because I am not alone. This has happened before and it will happen again unless someone stands up and says "No more. This is wrong."  And if I do not fight for myself who will? If I do not believe in me, I am lost. I have come too damned far to allow anyone else to take anything more from me with out a fight. No.

  And so I made a motion to have Judge Stoltz recuse herself given her comments and ruling. When we came into court on the 4th of November I was ready to argue that motion. I was surprised to find that Judge Stolz had reassigned my case to another judge while upholding her motion. My family and I made our way to the third floor to a far off courtroom with no one but the players in this case present. I again asked that my motion for a continuance be heard, it was immediately denied by Judge Rumbaugh.  He stated that the trial would go on immediately. I had nothing. No papers or documents I was empty handed. The Judge gave the opinion that justice needed to be swift, not just.  I was made to represent myself while my abuser had full legal counsel, before a judge who actually inferred that I was a drug addict. Again, I did not know Judge Rumbaugh, had never appeared in his court and his disparaging remarks about my person where intimidating and false. I am not now, nor have I ever been a drug addict. To be so attacked by a Justice from the bench is incredibly brutal and cruel. That this man thought that it was allowable leaves me incredulous. After the Judge Rumbaugh's inappropriate words from the bench I asked HIM to recuse himself. He refused. I asked for a hearing on the matter, I was refused. I was forced to question my abuser on the stand with both Judge Rumbaugh and his counsel peppering verbal insults and innuendo at me. I can't express the fear this brought me. I was nauseas and at one time asked for a break, again Judge Rumbaugh denied even that.

 How does this happen? Where is this okay? This is OUR county. Yours and mine and this effects you too.  I am not safe in my own home, which by the way I was ordered out of by Judge Rumbaugh with less than 3 weeks notice and with no where to go and with no funds to move. I am homeless with $400.00 a month. I will have to go on assistance, which you will pay for while my abuser enjoys a healthy six figure income. My share of our finances has been denied me. Judge Rumbaugh even gave my personal property I came into the marriage with to my abuser... this was done by a Pierce County Superior County Judge. This was clearly punitive and beyond his Honor's authority.

  This is what happens if you tell the truth. If you stand up, this is what you should expect. There is no justice here and nothing, NOTHING has changed. They can place all the hopeful names on buildings and convene summits and have fundraisers galore, but if they do not stop the rampant abuse of power in Pierce County nothing has changed. If you are not the "right" kind of victim....well, there is no help, no justice for you here at all. In a county where who you know and what you have is more important than what crimes are committed there is no justice for anyone. Least of all an abuse victim with no connections and few resources.

  And if you point out the wrongs done by the Pierce County Sheriff's Department, Pierce County Prosecutor's Office and now the Pierce County Judicial System, woes be to you.

   I came to the justice system looking for protection.  I received a red couch and a car payment that is what I was awarded. With just under 7 figures in net worth,  I am left to a life on food stamps. My support will be less than $400.00 a month. This is clearly a punishment. If you do not know already, my medical condition prevents me from working, something Judge rumbaugh was well aware of and dismissed breezily as predating the marriage. This is not even an error, it is a lie. I was married in 2008 and my condition was diagnosed in 2013. Facts matter little if you find yourself on the wrong side of the Pierce County System.

  Why am I treated differently than other victims? Because I dare to expect Pierce County to do it's job? I am bold enough to demand they act in accordance with our laws and policies? Because I will not be quiet and sit in the corner? Because I know that I am just as valuable and just as worthy as anyone else?

   Is it because Pierce County likes its domestic violence victims dead?

  I mean a dead victim gets all the right treatment. Too little, too late...but still. If you live in Pierce County and you want Deputies to protect you, if you want the Prosecutor to press charges or a judge to actually follow the laws they are all sworn to uphold...be dead. If your abuser kills you, now you have value. That is something they can get behind. There will be news conferences and speeches. Passionate proclamations of fighting the good fight and justice.......if you are breathing, you are an inconvenience.

  I made mistakes. I married a man believing he was one thing, when he was another. I loved that he gave to my adult children things that they had done without growing up. The cars and trips, money and time...I was so thankful. Every mother wants these things for their children. I should have walked away. I did not. After the marriage, things came up...things that did not make sense or that left me alarmed, I held firm. I was married in the church and not believing in divorce, I stood fast.

  He had a temper. He had secrets. He did not have the same moral compass or belief system that I did... He spoke of women, minorities actually, anyone that was not him, in a derogatory manner...I thought I could change that...yes, I realize how stupid that was...now. I made excuses and allowances.
When I was hospitalized and diagnosed with several chronic illnesses his wandering eye came to the forefront. This lead to the violence of July 9th 2013 and me reporting it on the 10th.

 Several things have caused me to wonder about all that came after that first call.

    Firstly was Deputy Larson's comments. He was the one who came out when I finally got the courage to call for help. Let me state here that my abuser knew I was calling. I told him so. He was several states away and I had told him exactly what I was going to do on the phone the evening of the 9th. I wanted to be honest, to be upfront. I didn't want him surprised and I didn't want him coming home while I was still there.

  It never occurred to me that HE might call first. That in telling him what I was planning on doing the next day, I was setting about my own downfall. He spoke to the sheriff's office first. Who does that? You are going to be reported for your own actions and so you call the Sheriff's office to undercut your victim's statements? This is an abuser on a level I cannot comprehend. That Pierce County could be so duped by him is frightening.

  Deputy Larson's remarks that "those aren't too bad" when photographing my bruises was shocking.  That The Pierce County Sheriff's Department would ignore physical evidence of an assault, bury the photographs and then the prosecutor, who by the way has her office at the Crystal Judson Justice Center, would state in a meeting that I insisted on that "for the record, I am not looking at any evidence you provide" is staggering. There is no help. Who stands a chance when Pierce County officials refuse to do their jobs with such passion? How much fight do you have when the doors are slammed in your face and not only is justice denied you, it is turned against you? How do you think you would fair? I will give you an insight, it is frightening. It is lonely and powerless and at times feels hopeless. And it is where I am now.

  My abuser has influential connections. He has money and power and the way that this case has been handled by Pierce County shows that out. When else could an abuse break a restraining order over ten times and have no consequences? His friends train Deputies on firearms, they go to the right meetings and give in the right amounts. I had hidden all that was done to me out of shame, embarrassed that I had found myself once again in an abusive relationship and now, I am alone, with nothing. Even I was used against me.

   I am not going to stop. I am going to appeal this matter. I will speak to it until words fail me and I will fight until I can no longer battle. Because I matter, victims matter. Because this is wrong and if it has happened to me, it has happened to others. This is not okay. Abusing victims by proxy is not okay and no one is blameless. If you say nothing when you know something is wrong that makes you complacent. Giving safe harbor to abusive behaviors because you have a relationship with the abuser is furthering their abuse.

 When Pierce County Deputies take to social media to mock and bully a victim it is wrong. When their friends and family pile on it is worse. When their command condones it, it is criminal. This is not okay. It is never going to be okay and I refuse to shut up or hide.

  Please, take a moment and tell Pierce County that intimidating victims of abuse who stand up to bullying and use their voice is not acceptable.

 Pierce County Sheriff's Department
     6006 133rd St NW, Gig Harbor, WA 98332
      (253) 798-4940








  • Crystal Judson Justice Center
    718 Court E, Tacoma, WA 98402
    (253) 798-4166

    Pierce County Superior Court

    Stolz, KatherineSuperior Court Judgesupcrtdept2@co.pierce.wa.us253-798-7573








  • Rumbaugh, StanSuperior Court Judgesupcrtdept18@co.pierce.wa.us253-798-6650

    Abuse is never okay and abuse of power is a crime. I am not going to go away, I am not going to stop. They have taken all that I care for from me. All I have is this space and these words and those are my own. Be safe. If you see something say something....although in Pierce County that has consequences you might regret.

    http://www.gofundme.com/hfswb4

    Also, because lawyers want money...lots of it....if you can help please do. I will be completely transparent in all financial matters. I thank you and humbly admit I can't do this by myself. I do not ask for help often....ever....but this is beyond me and my own means. Thank you for your time.

  • Friday, November 7, 2014

    Secret Keepers and Enablers or How the Harbor Rolls



        There are secrets that we keep to protect those we love and the ones we hide to protect ourselves. For a species that strives to find the truth, we really don't like it. We are resentful of anyone who rips away the nicely organized fantasy of "not in our town, our neighborhood, our house". Lies. We tell ourselves and each other the most convincing fabrications and half truths to avoid the reality we are claim we seek.

      I can't tell you the amount of pain telling the truth has cost me. I have given far more than a pound of flesh. I don't check my e-mail anymore. Rarely my phone. If you want to be sure to multiply what ever harm is being done to you name, it out loud. Proclaim whatever you are stuffing down so that your world seems perfect. So that your friends won't know...I mean don't we all want our friends to think we are more "together" than they are? That we have figured this all out? Isn't that what we do? Covent each others places in life? Ticking off who has the nicer car or home or spouse?

      I knew when I called 911 my life would change. I knew it when I filed for a Restraining Order too. It was as if everything was rushing by me and I could not stop it. I was powerless then and I still am. Anyone who has come from abuse understands what that means. To not have control of ones safety or how others perceive us. To explain everything would be to strip the lies away from those I love the most and that is my biggest secret. How does that go..."I love too well." My abuser uses the best weapon against me of all...those that mean the most, knowing to speak against them goes against all I am.

      When we started our relationship I was struck that he never talked about how I looked. I liked that. Never used one of those lines...seemed rather disinterested. The perfect way to draw me in....He would talk about things he had done, I half listened and believed even less. They all seemed like storied you tell each other in high school or 30 years later at a class reunion. Random and shocking. That is what he was good at. Out of the blue he told me he had no empathy. He had taken some personality test that a seekers church had required all of their worship team fill out. He played in their band. Went on and on about playing rock songs for the Jesus crowd. Liked what he called the exposed flesh that comes with a church of the lost. It seemed a bit "Glory Days" to me, the people we socialized with changed but his stories didn't. It wouldn't matter if they had, I wasn't listening.

      He would fly to Florida on business and come home with stories about how horrible his ex-wife was doing. Spend days talking about her and how he had gone to dinner with her brother or other family members. They had been divorced over 20 years...I thought he must still love her...but no. He just wanted to know she was miserable. That he had taken all he could from her including her family. He keeps tabs on all of his exes. I ignored it. When a family member had a problem that so many stumble over...too many doctors willing to give out medications to numb what they didn't want to feel, he stepped up. He came from that background...he could relate, let him handle it. Then slowly he started taking over other things, rearranging my life...I was M.I.A. I had been married before, I know the give and take speech. I trusted implicitly. In our first years together on the few times we argued he would call my mother....I was 42 years old and my husband was calling my mother to tell on me...okay, it was a bit odd...I finally told my mother nicely to not engage in those conversations.

      We all con ourselves into thinking we have good judgment...that we know who is lying and who is not. How many times have you been fooled by someone you knew in your heart was honest and straight forward? It's always the ones we love the most who cut us the deepest. So, we put a little plaster over the gapping hole that only truth can inflict and we soldier on. We agree to the lie. I am as guilty as anyone. He told me a condensed version of the domestic incident with his last wife, slowly more things came out. Not having the money to buy a car part so he hustled around town until he found the same make car on an used auto lot and talked them into letting him "take it for a spin, to see if his girlfriend liked it"...he harvested the parts he needed, took the car back and told them it ran like crap and he wasn't interested. He ordered a faucet set offline, expensive the kind guests admire in your powder room.  Impressive. When they arrived there was a large gouge and a scratch and he couldn't get his money back. He had ordered them from ebay after seeing them while staying in a hotel on a business trip. So, the next time he went back to that hotel he had tools in his suitcase and that marred piece of hardware that was unworthy of him, and he swapped it out. Came home with another, chic and shiny.

      He regaled his friends with this story and sure maybe they wouldn't do that...but hey no harm no foul. I mean he is always so fun and kind and who is he really hurting. And so we all became secret keepers. We shielded him from his actions. Did things we would never do for this puppet master. He was good, he had been doing this along time. And this I know, there are good people, kind people, that see what he does and turn a blind eye. Maybe they are like I was and feel it is more fluff than fact or maybe because it isn't happening to them they are content to stand on the sidelines and covering for him.

      Above all he is a braggart. He can't keep his own secrets, he must impress with his cleverness, his ability to fool people who think they are smart...It's what he loves most. Feeling the power of manipulating people into suspending their own belief system and bending laws...I understand. I fell for it too.

      I never ask anyone to take my word for it....I will prove it right here...Keep in mind, I have never gone to his work or home or friends...every interaction that has necessitated a 911 call has come from my abuser contacting me. His breaking the restraining order. I can't understand how experienced professionals can't see that pattern. Well, they simply have chosen not to care. They have taken sides and I am ignored or worse taunted on social media by those I reached out to help from.


      Don't take my word for it. I will post the July 12th Police report here and you can read his own words...story number one and then there is an ever evolving shuffling of facts and fictions that followed. Whatever it takes to gain your confidence. He will make you feel important, he needs you,  you are his protector. I know, that used to be me. But listen to his words. Be smarter than I was. So determined to have my happily ever after I filtered out truth.  Listen to the way he talks about women, the way he triangulates females and pits them against each other. He has been doing this along time. He is good at it.

      There are those of you reading this that know exactly what he has done, you know the lies and the tricks and you may have even participated in them. Whether this was your chance to have an adventure or you are like I was, not really believing he meant what he was saying, you know.
    You rubber stamp his behavior and spite me for saying the truth. Makes perfect sense. We all are against domestic violence, stalking, harassment, until someone we like or love is the one doing it. Then we blame the victim.  No one wants an ugly truth to wake me from a beautiful lie.

      To those of you that have lied, tricked enabled...that is on you. That is who you are. Own it. I am not going to give up. I am not going to be silent. I have come too damn far in this world to let you or anyone else define who I am. All evil needs to succeed is for good men to do nothing.

      I give you one thought...if they are right....I am just some crazy woman who is bitter....if they are wrong....what then? What do you imagine an abused person looks like, how do you think they act? Overwhelmed, emotional, scared, untrusting.....sound familiar.

       This is happening here. In this town and being condoned by those in power. That scares me and it should scare you too.

    Wednesday, November 5, 2014

    Peace And Love



      Okay, I have been that parent, friend, family member who takes up another's cause no matter which side of right they are on. I am certain most of us have. There is a lot to be said for love and loyalty. It is very difficult to be on the other side of that equation. That being said, Have I named names...well you know I have. Am I sorry, no. How are we ever going to change this if we do not start sharing it. If you are a friend, colleague, spouse of someone who is called out for not using their best judgment, instead of making matters worse for everyone, why not talk it through and use your own calm point of view to make an inroad to a solution? Help the situation.

      This entire thing has changed me, profoundly. Some salt, some sweet. Do I like being spoken of in derogatory terms on social media? Well, no, no I do not. Did I report it...no. Why? That I cannot tell you. Either I think more of others than I do myself or I am doing all I can to stay above water and affecting someone else's life or job because they attacked me on social fb is really not my priority right now. It does however make me more of a hermit. Because these people, saying these cruel things, for their own entertainment...they have power, control and the are my neighbors, friends of friends. I have had to block or delete more people since this started than I did the ENTIRE 2014 election cycle. That is saying something right there. Since when did standing up for yourself and telling the world what happened to you become a problem? Yeah, only if you are the one in trespass.

      So, I humbly ask...can we just not.... Not add to each others woes. Not call names or cause each other pain? Not ridicule and judge? What does it serve? When someone I have not spoken to in over 8 years and barely knew then jumps into the fray from several states away...why?

      Stop it. We have all done it... a knee jerk response to seeing someone you love, trust, care about being revealed as less than you believe them to be. And so taking up their cause. I get that. However when you come onto social media and call another human being crazy...you should expect to be called out. It makes you a bully. You are no longer being a friend you are creating a larger pile of crap for your favored soul to crawl out of. Congratulations.

      Again, I am not anti ANYBODY. I was in an abusive relationship. I grew up in one. Both true statements. When I speak up because it has become more than I can take or when it spills over to others....and you decide to insert yourself into that situation...I am going to call you out. Doesn't mean I don't like or respect you, it means you have overstepped your boundaries. If you feel it is professional, respectable, helpful to ridicule others ....please, you really can't be surprised when you get the mud you are slinging on your own sleeves.

      Lets all take a deep breath. Treat everyone as you would your own loved ones and don't create drama and hate baiting. It doesn't make us clever or smart and certainly not powerful. It diminishes you. I write you, however, I mean all of us, myself included. I have learned so much compassion through this. Grown closer to people I always wished to know better. I have formed new friendships and am finding my own feet.


      No one should have to tell an officer that hate baiting on social media, engaging a victim of abuse case is not the wisest of choices. I can't believe I have to write that here...but apparently I do. I will give you a hint when you are dealing with an abuse victim...and you bully them, they will fight back. It is how we survive what we have lived through. If you think that you are adding to the betterment of our society or being a better LEO, spouse parent, child, by behaving that way....no.  Let us be. Follow and enforce the laws as they are written, not selectively as you like. That is the behavior that causes so much negativity to be laid at all LEO's feet. Congratulations, you tarnish an entire group of brave people who do a thankless job full of so much stress and danger. Was that you intent? If the answer is yes, hey keep it up you are doing a band up job. If the answer is no, please just be the kind of officer that you looked up to as a kid. Be the good guy. We need you to be that. Okay?

      If you are a part of a support system for LEO, Military, Firefighters, please keep holding them up. You serve another thankless job in the shadow of the realization that any night could be the one that you lose your own hero. Thank you for what you do to care for them. It is not easy. I am not your target, nor are you mine. I simply wish to be safe and life in peace, exactly like you.

       Remember when you hold someone down, you are the one laid low. Peace and Love people. Peace and Love.

    Monday, November 3, 2014

    Cray Cray DeVille, or what some Pierce County Deputies really think.



        The morning brought me this. It speaks for itself. This is Pierce County Deputy Dan Wulick and his wife and other family of PCSD mocking me and dubbing me Cray Cray DeVille on an open Facebook page.....This is the mentality of the Sheriff's Department that is supposed to serve and protect. Apparently, that means themselves and their own. I am not crazy, I am scared and their attitudes and words show that I should be. If this is what they say in an open forum what are they saying privately? And why? Really, I should be safe in my own home.




            For those of you in doubt, this is how some domestic violence victims get treated when they report it in Pierce County. This is just....what? Horrible. If you thought I was lying about the attitudes of some at PCSD, I say, believe them. these aren't my words. How am I ever going to be able to go home, to just be safe? This is not okay.

          I just want to go home and be safe when I get there. That shouldn't be unattainable.

      If anyone has any thoughts that can help, please comment here...I won't publish it unless you want me to. I am so tired of living in fear and am so....I don't have the words....I feel I have become a target. Why?

    Dear Pierce County Deputy, protect this.



      It's late, or early depending on how you look at it and I can't sleep. My mom and step father insisted that I came and stayed with them for a few days. That is how it goes now....I stay at my house for a bit and then they call me or just as often I phone them and there we are again, three people trying to pretend it is normal for me, a grown adult who lives a mere county away, to be a frequent overnight guest.

      Now, I am shaking upset and exasperated. Overwrought because of someone else's words and thinking maybe I should have ignored them. I should have stayed silent. This is a constant inner dialog I have. It doesn't matter whether I speak up or stay still I will be full of self recrimination later. Usually as now, around 1 in the morning I relive the moments trying to correct anything I feel I should have done differently, better. A time when my solutions are hours away from being plausible and sleep has been banished by fear, who also snatched peace of mind and kicked it to the curb I do this kind of useless fretting.

      My family tries really hard to make sure I feel welcome and safe. No one asks intrusive questions. Part of that is knowing the people involved and the other part is respecting my privacy. I had no idea how much of that I would be losing. To have n port in the middle of this storm is a Godsend. Tonight was dinner with family. Enjoying kids and pinochle and just...normal. Then when we three semi-roommates arrived back at the house, my mother asked my to check my blog. She keeps up with these things. Tonight it was a mistake. She didn't know it then, but she does now.

      There was a response from yet another member of the Pierce County Sheriff's Department. And he was none too happy with me.

      I will paste his message here as not to misquote him. Pierce County Deputy Dan Wulick:



        This was from a post on a fb community page. Who does this? This is why I do not feel safe or protected. There are too many Pierce County Sheriff's Department employees who are more concerned with their friends, coworkers and and not for the citizens of Pierce County. I never NEVER wanted any of this. It is hard and horrible and just...I feel like it will never end. I spent the last hour or so trying to calm my 72 year old mother, because she is determined to protect her child from an officer she feels is bullying me. She reminds me daily now that I am always her child, no matter how old I get. I try and remind her that I am a grown adult who has taken care of my own business for decades now.  I hate this. I deplore that my mother, my family, my friends are all caught up in this terrible thing and I can't fix it. I will never understand why this is happening. 

       Why would yet ANOTHER Pierce County Deputy try and insert himself into this? Why? To become aggressive and harass others on a fb page, because of something I wrote? Who does that? There is a part of me that wishes I had never called 911, that just...I don't know what I could have done to differently packed up and fled?  ...but no, that is not right. My abuser has broken laws. He has a history of violence and I am the one openly attacked on social media by a person who should be protecting me? His own words are the very reason I am afraid of which Deputy will come out if I do have to call 911 again.  Somehow I am the "bad" guy. What do I do? I don't know. I truly just don't. 

        My family has taken a vote. They want me to move out of Pierce County. There is the general sentiment that it is not a safe place for me. How does this happen? How does a domestic violence call become this? Is it because I would not just accept the abuse? Because I pointed out misconduct by several deputies? Isn't that what we are supposed to do? Isn't that how we make our community safer and a better place to be? Haven't we already been through this before? I hate this. I am sorry to everyone who has been dragged into this and I am sorry that it is happening at all. 

      I am tired and frightened and somehow feel alone, no matter whose company I am in. This is a lonely thing and I wish it on no one. I am stuck playing that child's game of trying to trade in past choices for anything else. As if there was a curtain number two that I can choose to accept when I can no longer handle door number one. However it doesn't work that way. I can't change I do's or chance meetings. Going over ever missed red flag or dropped detail will not undo any of this. I play another sort of game at times like this too....It is the what if game....what if I stopped now. If I retracted everything, lost all that I own including but not limited to my money, my house, car, processions, community, self-respect and dignity. What if I just yelled screw it and let myself be run over by this ever growing avalanche?  I do not know...I never get very far on that one because I can't...I just can't fold myself into a small enough piece, doubled and redoubled over myself so that I will be so tiny that I fit into someone else's idea of what I can be...what I must put up with and what I will give or take to be acceptable to others. 

      I lived a good deal of my life having no control. Not over my physical body or any other details of my life. I can't do that any more. I promised that child I was....I just can't. I have to be big and brave and strong because once again last night I was reminded....I am not safe. Not everyone who should be there to protect me is. 

      I hope you are well and safe and loved. Everyone deserves that.


    Saturday, November 1, 2014

    Dear Pierce County Sheriff's Department


       Standing up for yourself is exhausting. I am not going to lie...this is hard. I see why some choose to stay silent. I had the option. I could have run. However, I am too tired of looking over my shoulder and frankly I have lapped the field trying to get away from this situation. So, instead I am going to stand right here and say it out loud, even if no one else listens. If the Pierce County Sheriff's Department will not stand up for me, I will. I get it, I am all I've got. It is a Zen kind of thing really. At least that's what I am telling myself today.

      I received a letter from Richard Adamson, it is on official PCSD stationary, dated October 28th of this year. I will quote him directly so as not to misspeak:

      Ms. Reamy(sic),

     I have reviewed the investigation into your complaint against Deputy Jacob Kreis and have concluded  the complaint to be Unfounded (yes boldfaced, capitalized?, underlined and italicized! So I know how he really feels.) I understand that your perceptions of the deputy's response may not have met your expectations, but cannot sustain the manual violation that is described in your narrative.

    Deputy Kries' supervisor, Saregant Roland Bautista, made it clear in his review of this issue with the deputy that courtesy and professionalism are traits that we strive to present in our contacts with our citizens.

    Respectfully......


       You get the idea. Now given the heavy-handedness of his insinuation that I seem to have a problem with reality, I am left to puzzle over the last sentence. If indeed, Deputy Kreis did nothing inappropriate, an assertion I strongly disagree with, why then was anything needed to be made clear by his Sargent?  Also, within the language of Mr. Adamson's own letter is both a lack of courtesy and professionalism. Thusly underlining, italicizing and placing in bold font his own addition to the problem and proving that this is a systemic issue within the department. Set all that aside. My Step Father was present for the entire exchange with Deputy Kreis.  Chief of Operations Adamson never spoke to either him or me. So I am left to ponder, exactly how did he investigate anything? Also, since there was a restraining order in place on September 11, and it is evident that my abuser, himself called 911 from the property which he was barred from accessing, how can CoO Adamson's statement be accurate? It cannot. Deputy Kreis had an obligation to check to see if there was a RO in effect. Upon ascertaining that there was one, he was obligated under the law to arrest the offender. Deputy Kreis did neither of these things. Therefore CoO Adamson's words are blatantly false. The records surrounding this matter are public and can be obtained by anyone. I will figure out how link them here, however I don't wish anyone to take my word for anything. Please, if you are so inclined investigate.

      I realize that writing that puts me more in the soup....but really aren't I already there? Telling the truth should never have a tinge of fear around it. This is not a fight I want. Seriously, I have much more in my life to deal with. I am simply being given no choice. I either eat the spoon full of sh*t being passed off as sugar or I say no thank you, I believe I will feed myself.

      Someone, I have no idea who deleted this blog from The Gig Harbor Patch...it is 404 now and I am locked out of my account. It is still cashed so you can find all of it using Google. If you would like to catch up from the beginning.

       I have had many victims reach out to say they have experienced similar incidents in Pierce County. Why? Why will our representatives spend more money and resources on protecting the abusers than on simply prosecuting them? Their message is clear. However that does not mean that we have to accept it. This is our community and we should not have to live in fear for our protection or of our paid protectors.

      Again, please I do not ask you to believe me out of hand. No one should. These are heavy assertions, I am aware. I am reminded on the daily that I am small and they are big. I got it. These are the tactics of a bully, that's what keeps me going. If you are interested the incident number is IPR#14-096, request a copy. This has been an ongoing drama that is unworthy of our county. I have made several complaints in this journey that began in July of 2013, I understand that the more I complain the less credible I look. Again, a tactic to undermine the abused and fortify the power of the abuser. That will not stop me from continuing to lodge a complaint when it is warranted. I am dismayed by these base, outdated tactics of oppression. Yes, oppression...I actually looked for another word to put there but no...it fits. I am afraid to stay in my home, afraid to leave it, I am afraid to answer the door or even write anything here, but I do and I will. Because this is not right. I will not endorse this behavior by curling up into a little ball in a corner, rocking silently as I drown myself in tears. Not that I don't do those things, I do. I just refuse to stay in that place for long.

      So, to Peirce County Sheriff's Department I say: Come at me as you will. The more you attack me, the weaker you prove to be. Do your jobs handle the county's business and waste no more of our valuable assets on covering up unacceptable behavior.

      And so you know, I am pro Law Enforcement, an irony given that my abuser is not. I didn't pick this place and so I am going to keep going until I am no longer in this shadowed land.

    The mission statement for Pierce County Sheriff's is:

    MissionThe mission of the Pierce County Sheriff's Department is to protect life and property, to uphold rights and to help build stronger, more livable communities.
    Core ValuesIntegrity, Respect, Responsibility, Courage and Compassion

    Wednesday, October 29, 2014

    Abuse by Proxy



      When I have to share the facts of this sordid mess I find myself in I am invariable asked..."Why did you stay?" or the more prevalent one "If you are so afraid, why don't you just leave the state?" Run away...

       I try to think that these questions are well-meaning, however sometimes the tone in which they are delivered makes that difficult. Opening myself up by asking for help also means putting my head on the block to be judged and sentenced. Am I worthy of help? Did I deserve what happened? Should I have known? My all time favorite...did I really love him, or just the lifestyle we shared? I have pretty much heard it all by now. At those times I practice that rare gift honed in childhood. I show no emotion. Not on the outside, because what these inquisitive souls have conveyed is that it's not safe for me to share with them. I protect my mental state as best I can and I move forward. It does not mean I don't feel the condemnation, I feel the verdict of guilt by failure to flee, of my own poor choices and failings. I know them intimately. I live with them. However, for the curious...

        I will try to answer these queries.

      Yes I loved him. No I did not marry him for money. (That one is rather insulting to both of us.), No I do not do drugs, I do not drink, no I did not have an affair with my lawyer (yes, it really is in the court papers), I love my daughter beyond words and I will say nothing more about that here...what else is there? Oh, yes...these

      I don't leave my home (although at times I have), my family, my few friends, all that I have, because I refuse to give him anymore. He has taken so much already and I will not allow him to burgle me further. I am not speaking of the tangible things that he has taken, the money or objects we had collected together. I mean the important ones, things like my self worth, sense of wellbeing, my own friends and those he picked for me, who I came to care for. Funny how I never noticed we only socialized with his social group. I never noticed that...until it was too late. How isolated I have become.
     
       I have come too far. I have fought too hard, for this man, for anyone, to make me bow my head again. No more. Am I frightened? Yes, every day. I hate writing that here. I hate admitting to myself and most certainly to anyone else that truth. It is bare...naked and horrible, but it is honest. Please, let me be clear, I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am a happy person. I am grateful and blessed. I do not want sympathy, nor pity. I simply want to be safe. I ask for help because this overwhelms me. All I ask is that the laws to be enforced,  and to be left in peace. We all deserve that.
    I worry sometimes...about who comes after me. He is invincible thus far. He knows there are no consequences. We really don't matter. Money and image is power.

       There are things I do not understand. Those friends, who knew about his past, who enabled his illegal behavior....who helped him ....how do they live with that? Some vanished immediately, at first that hurt my heart. Now I see it was a kindness. Because the vultures who came around to pick my bones, those few feasted on the little trust I had left. They would say all the right things...in the beginning. so I let my guard down. I believe in them. There were very specific questions...gathering up my words and passing on my pain as if it were a treasure. I suppose in a way it was. To lose a marriage is devastating, friends... heartbreaking. To be betrayed by those you love...well it is a mournful thing and I will never understand it.

        I hope they believe that they are helping their friend. There is money involved. And my abuser plays victim far better than I. And after all everyone deserves friends and support. I don't want to strip away anyone's relationships. Those who actively tormenting me? Who deliver me his messages, reporting back to him, why? They make themselves abusers by proxy. If this is you, please stop. It's a divorce. Unfortunately they happen all the time. Please, just remain dignified and respectful, follow the law. I mean no one harm. I am hurt, not angry. I only want safe passage. All I have ever wanted is that.

      It is okay not to believe me, I don't expect anyone to blindly accept my words.

      Believe his. He has admitted his behaviors, the bruises of his handprint, his bragging of how low he will bring me. There is little doubt. It is a terrible thing to be bullied, spied on right out in the open. I never thought it possible. You see, growing up my life was filled secrets. Other people's secrets. That I can comprehend. This new sport of harming, hunting someone, with glee is even more frightening and I will never understand.

      I know it sounds....paranoid..I know. I hear it too. But it is the truth so it will have to do. His embassaries took turns coming to my door, wanting admittance. One brought my estranged husband's girlfriend with her. To my house, expecting me to let her in... as if that were acceptable or in any way a healthy, normal behavior. Who does that?  That neighbor, faux friend told me in the first days of this nightmare, when I was still shellshocked and aching that she didn't like the way my husband treated ME, However she and her husband found him to be a great friend.

       How does that happen? How do we go from compassionate, caring individuals to turning a blind eye to a monster? I find myself asking "Who does that?" to no one in particular. Knowing that if anyone ever tried to explain it to me, I would not understand it. And so I am here...forever puzzling "Who does this?" You may have your questions, that is mine.

       I have had what seemed like perfectly kind people, some joint friends, some acquaintances call to foreign support, within a few words it becomes clear, this is just another recon mission. Some offered a kind word, a strong shoulder...yes, I fell for that a few times. I have cried and grieved with those who were there only as reporters. Correspondents in this brutal war. Is it a desire to be part of something? Is it boredom or loyalty? I don't know. No matter how many times I try to, I will never comprehend it. I feel as if it has become a sport for some.

      He visits their house right next to this one, he parks in their driveway when he sneaks onto this property. I do not understand the enablers. Those wearing the mask of friendship or the uniform of a law officer. Who decides who is deserving of protection? Who is worthy help? I am sorry for this situation. I am repeatedly apologizing to people who really should not have to be troubled with this embarrassment. Still, I will not be silent. I can't. I am all I have.

      I asked someone I trusted, respect for help and she let me know I was opening myself up as a target and then she went radio silent. I don't blame her. I understand. Words are easy, actions much more difficult. People weighting the percentages and tallying up one's values. I know. By now I know this.

         The irony that this is Domestic Violence Awareness month is not lost on me.

      I also accept you are judging me. I can't control what anyone thinks of me. My abuser has already painted me a Gollum. I tried to stay above the fray. Things are messy enough without adding mud... I was told to expect that too. Still....isn't it enough? Really? If I have done everything he has said and more, would I still be deserving of his violence? When does an abuser's actions become acceptable? That one is rhetorical. In this no fault state, why would a person set out to smear another in divorce court? Power, control and money.

        It is hard to reconcile the man I thought I was married to and the truth of who he really was. It is difficult for me and I was there, it happened to me. I understand liking him, loving him, believing him...I did and for that mistake I am dearly sorry. On the upside, I am learning compassion on a Jedi level and for this I am grateful. I am learning not to hide, to speak up and to ask for help. I have made new friends and reconnected with my family. There really is a silver lining. Be safe and be well.