Today at 2:06 PM
Well here we are....again, wringing our hands and crying out why?
We are created to explore the whys, to look for answers. It is the way we learn, move forward...move on. However, some times there is no why that can encapsulate the event. Today is such a day. There is no fault. This is not about selfishness or weakness it is about an extreme pain so great that a soul pleads to be let loose its mortal bonds. It is simply too much.
What do we learn? What do we take forward from this? Well, firstly, I remind myself of the only cure I know of. One not found in a bottle. One no drug pusher sells.... HOPE.
I pile up all my reasons for being here...and not... I set my accounts down and total up sums of love, subtracted from fear, added to trials, multiply failures and tally it all and so far, hope wins out.
As long as there is hope all is not lost.
But what if it were lost?
Which is the folly?
In this great void that we try to fill up with noise and people, details and objects, all to keep us from admitting, we do not know anything.
Death makes children of us all.
At times like these we clasp tight to our beliefs, our religions, our educations and brandish our chosen weapon. Flailing desperately at the unknowable. Shadow boxing is all we can manage. For what? Nothing can be changed. There is no great prize for unpuzzling another's reason. Sometimes there simply is no why that can be put down in a public square to be nodded over and commented on. So all present can quietly agree to the details and outcome. False reassurances.....
We are still such silly children.
It no longer matters why. Depression kills more than any other cause of death. Know this. Please keep fighting cancer and HIV and throw your passion at these hard battles, but understand this....
Just because a heart beats, a body breathes, does not mean all is well and we should go forward in gratitude. It does not mean that we do not suffer the same burdens as another's disease.
There are no bandaids for this kind of pain.
This is not a fish tale, a time to compare wounds or labor pains. It is not a contest to see who is the strongest or hurts the most. There is no debate.
Go your own way and do not trespass on another's struggle. Those whose anguish goes beyond what can be measured on a glass slide or distilled down to a justifiable physical measurement still emotionally bleed.
There are no marks set. No stage four depression. Coded words to murmured behind raised hands. An acceptable diagnosis that will impart from one to another, the exact level of mental pain, physical anguish that has caused this outcome.
We are all still children and sometimes there is no answer to the whys.