Wednesday, December 31, 2014

How Many Pierce County Deputies Does It Take To Stop Domestic Violence?

   Really, that is my question. How many Pierce County Deputies does it take to stop a domestically violent individual? It's a question we should all be asking ourselves.  The answer seems to be "It's directly proportionate to the number of influential people you know." This is a special kind of algebra.  Power+Money*(enablers)=abuser>victim(evidence+abuser's prior bad deeds)=She's crazy liar.

  Another question: How many times do you think abuse victims are ignored and abusers allowed free passage? How many victims of this misuse of power are there? I will keep asking that and if you have any experiences you would like to share, just message me. This is a pattern. The common way things are done here. They're far too good at this, across the board, for it to be the anything else.

  When Deputy Larson responded to my 911 call, on July 10th, I recognized him. I told him that he had responded to my first call back in 2009. He immediately denied this. I wasn't surprised. It is far more common that I, remember a deputy coming to my home, than that same deputy remember me, some four years after the fact. I repeated myself and he firmly stated that no calls had ever been logged from that address, he had already checked. I repeated that he had.  He mentioned my phone number, and I realized the error. I had used the house phone number the first time. I explained that to him. He let that point go and moved on.

  It didn't strike me as odd, until much later, that a Deputy responding to a domestic call would argue with the victim about an occurrence of abuse, or that he wouldn't want to take pictures, that the prosecutor would later claim never to have received them, even though they were made part of the Domestic Violence Restraining Order evidence through filings with the court.  I have never before heard of such a concerted effort of a civil authority to refuse to do it's given job. I wouldn't believe this, if I were not living it. Let me tell you, it scares me. How easily everything can be ripped from you by those who are sworn to protect you and that you could be labeled "crazy" a "troublemaker" or "drug addict" whatever name makes treating you as less than will do. It's a bit of redirecting, not worthy of those who undertake it.  However, in taking this action they underscore my position.

    After I became aware my daughter was appearing at my ex-husband's side, my hurt...not a big enough word-my anguish knew no measure. I tried to explain my daughter's history. I had facts, records, texts and phone calls. No one cared. It didn't serve their narrative. If you think that stopping the selling of drugs in Gig Harbor is a priority, you are sadly mistaken. As long as addicts say the right things, they are free to continue as they like. I worry every day that my child will not live long enough to overcome her demons and I am filled with the helpless rage only a parent of an addict who is battling the system knows. I love my child, I am done enabling her. If the only way to help her is to expose the truth, so be it. I am never giving up on her or on truth. Never.

   I requested the recording of that first call made in 2010,  made at a time when I still believed that he didn't mean it. That he loved me. That it would never happen again and that he was sorry.
  I received a letter back from the 911 records department. It stated that it no longer existed. That call was  important because my, then husband, admitted attacking me on it. He promised to fix "this" and begged me to hang up the phone. The operator heard him, she and I talked about what he said and where he was in relation to me. She wanted to know I was attempting to get myself to a safe place. I was on the phone with her when he yelled that he loved me and then left the property.  Well ahead of Deputy Larson. I filled out a statement that time and I made this video, in case something ever happened to me.

  I sent it to my daughter, for safe keeping in March of 2009, incase anything should ever happen to me. Never guessing she already had a deeper relationship to my, then, husband than I could have ever believed.  I wrote about trying to get away from him four years ago. Well before July 10th, 2013.

     I tried to get this video I made after that attack in March 2009, submitted into evidence during the hearing for a DMVRO in 2013. I was denied this, because as I was told, Pierce County Superior Court didn't have the ability to view videos in their courtrooms. Just-ruminate on that one for a moment. That's how my entire case has been handled. As if, they believed I had found a way to go back in time and created every document which proves my abuser's guilt, because apparently I have conquered the space time continuum in order to plant these events beforehand or rather...after, which then became before, due to my time jumping, so I made it all up and they were then free to ignore me, belittle me and to refuse to uphold the laws of our state as well as Federal ones.  Not only does this create a nice package, it also is more plausible than the wild thought that they are dealing with a man whose history of abuse and assault was simply repeating itself. That is totally not believable.

     It will happen again. He will do it again and we will all have known that he was capable of whatever it is he does next.  Pierce County will be culpable. They already are.

   My abuser called the Sheriff's department before me on July 10th. To let them know I would be calling. He knew that, because I had told my daughter. I will attach the text messages between my daughter and myself. These are not new, I turned them over to the Sheriff's department. I gave them my phone with access to everything on it. Also, my computer. These things have long been out there.  Her credibility is easily brought down by her own words. Though it pains me to do so. You can compare her many conflicting statements and those of my abuser, which have changed constantly.

   I am told it's because my youngest daughter appeared with my abuser, every time he spoke to the police. That's why they believe him and not me. In over ten different interviews, or contacts with Pierce County Deputies she was present as his "stay out of jail card," his claim to honesty every single time. My child, 24 years old, an adult, but still -my daughter.

  There is no name, no form of expression that can measure the depth of my anguish, my deep what? Sadness? Loss? We humans haven't invented anything to affix to this ache that does it justice. No parent should ever know this betrayal. To know that your child, not only knew what my husband was, but that she actively lied for him, against me- He beat me and she knew it. She was personally enriched for her actions. This is a mother's worth set down for all to see. One, wait two cars, one Apple laptop, various cash is a long list the trade for parent for property.

   So, when Deputy Larson made his second visit to our residence in July of 2013, when he said my bruises "weren't too bad," when his main focus was not on what happened to me, but whether I believed my husband had been cheating, I had yet to see the game at play. I find it hard to believe that these actions were standard procedure, Deputy Larson's actions or those that came after him.  No more so than when Deputy Kreis chose not to "check" to see if there was still a RO out against my abuser when he met him at the marital residence, to not notify me of a break in, for not doing a welfare check when the Deputy discovered my abuser on the property with a garage door that was obviously kicked in. Correct police procedure was not followed so many times that these officers and their superiors are either inept or willfully derelict of duty. Which is it?  These things were done you see because the matter had already decided, I was the liar, my abuser the victim. No matter how often he continued to break the law, or how much proof I brought forth, they were never going to change from that stance. It became the official line, damn be the facts. And because, I refused to accept their predestined decisions, I would not bow my head I am made the example of. No. I will not accept this either. Never. You see this is my life. This is all I have.

   When a person finally scrapes up the courage to tell what has happening to them, and let me say, it is a hard thing to do. The worst things that a Deputy can do is to not believe them, to express an attitude of clear distain and ridicules damaging. It's emotionally, mentally devastating. When a Deputy mocks me on Facebook- it is jarring. I stay out of Pierce County as a rule now. I don't feel safe there.  I have been ridiculed for expressing that too. However, when it becomes acceptable in Deputies' minds to treat any member of the community in such a manner on social media, can you honestly say you think that this same deputy would treat me better in person? I prefer not to gamble on that one.  He has a system set up to ensure whatever he does or doesn't do, is deemed acceptable. That, to me is frightening.

   I myself, filed a complaint with Sargent Davidson about Deputy Wulik. I haven't heard back from him or anyone else for that matter. The newest stance seems to be to ignore me until I go away. This will be buried in the newsfeed soon enough. Until my abuser hurts someone else of course-then all of this will be seen as a revelation. Isn't that the way it goes here? Why have one victim when we can make multiples? Just give it time.

    On October 1, 2014 my abuser appeared suddenly on the back deck of the marital home.  I had notified his attorney earlier in the day I would be bringing a motion if he did not pay his full support. He had already let it be known that he had no intention of paying me. He stormed up the backstairs, after parking in his friend's yard and sneaking through the back way to the house. He yanked open the french doors already screaming at me. I ran to the doors and tried to keep him out as he tried to gain entry. He was calling for my dog in a menacing sing-song voice. He grabbed my arm and twisted my right wrist, which had been on the door handle and yanked the door forward into me and then back, then closed the door on my hand. I yelled at him to leave in a panic. He said he was visiting his dog.  My dog Edgar, coward under the dinning table. Edgar had been the past target of this man's wrath and he would not, thank God, come out from hiding.  He finally left after yelling "I am going to be telling you to pack your sh*t and get out of my house in a month c*nt".  I called my mom and she came right over, convincing me once again to call the Sheriff's Office. I was hesitant.I felt they weren't going to help me and they didn't care what he did to me.  But I did, because she is my mother. I try now to honor her.

Bruising on hand and scrapes October 1, 2014

The pictures here were taken of my right hand. it depicts the bruising on my hand and several abrasions and a puncture, which were bleeding still when the Deputy responded, I showed him my hand. He wasn't interested. He took no report and oddly, wasn't wearing a name badge. My mom and Stepfather were there and witnessed his lack of response. Which is why my mother insisted I document it myself. That deputy had a partner with him, in a different kind of uniform. I admit I did not see if he wore a name tag. He held back and the first Officer took the lead. I was once again frightened at my abuser's audacity and with Pierce County Sheriff's Office lack of response to it. Frankly, I was just shocked and felt hopeless that they would ever help me. My mother became a bit firm with the Deputy asking this man would have to do to me before a deputy would stop him. No answer.
The deputy did say that if I had an active restraining order that "he could do something about this." When I tried to express my fears he replied "You married him". The universal justification for all abuse, right there. Crazy, liar, drug user and the all time gold standard of reasoning it's the victim's own fault...I asked for it. I married him, that is tacit consent right there.

   I have photos and videos and witnesses and medical records, still that's not enough. This man has a long history here, in Florida and several other states as well, not enough.  I am being called a liar and I am living in fear? This is a new and the cruelest form of abuse so far. No one should have to go through this. 

   This is never going to be alright and I am going to keep proving it happened. That I be heard until someone sees the truth. Until my name is cleared and my rights restored. And until Pierce County learns to stop revitalizing it's victims. 

   I have requested copies of the police reports surrounding all of these incidents. To post them here. So far I have received nothing. In some cases I have been told nothing was filed, which is odd considering I have copies of the complaints I filed, sent to me, blind copied, via the County's web sight. So I know they have them, and know they exist. Also, before they went radio silent to me, I heard from 3 sergeants and another bureaucrat within the Pierce County Sheriff's Department, they contacted me in response to that paper trail.  It exists. I have just been denied access to them, so far. 

   I have no idea how this abusive individual maneuvered his way around the system so well, however it will come out.  In every incidence he came after me, he contacted me.  The more I try to prove I am telling the truth, the harder Pierce County attempts to paint me a liar. I am not going away. Not ever. I have value. They are wrong, I am not crazy, I am tenacious. To a fault. 
  Also, it's not appropriate that our county has dragged me through the mud and denied me my civil rights, as well as my right to my own property, and my right to a fair hearing, among the multitude of other things that they have now done.  And to do nothing would be to accept it. That I can't do. I myself, question the resources and manpower that have been spent to keep this harassment of me going. How many meetings, background searches, lawyers consulted and the like? You have a right to know, and the why to the thing. These our our employees, and this is our money they are using against us. I didn't sign off on that did you? Do we now have a fund used to denigrate victims with impunity? This needs to be investigated, all of it. We are all deserving of some transparency and honesty in the actions of our civil servants. Please, use your rights to Freedom of Information and request copies of all documents involved. They may try to stonewall one, but they can't stonewall all.

  When Ed Troyer socializes with Deputy Wulik's band....and Deputy Wulik gets a free pass on bullying victims on social media, that is worth noting. When multiple deputies train with the man who supplied guns to my abuser and neither is prosecuted, that is worth noting. When my daughter's drug dealers are offered to Pierce County Deputies on a silver platter and they choose to not pursue deserve to know why. Don't let anyone try and tell you that Pierce County is tough on opiate dealers. Not as long as they turn a blind eye, refusing to gather evidence that would harm the case they themselves are trying to trump up against a victim, who they refuse to see as one. 

 A woman should never have to suffer these horrible series of events upon finally finding the mental and physical resources to ask for help. To say "he hits me. Help me, please." She most certainly shouldn't be made the target of the system which touts itself as the solution to Domestic Abuse. 

  Not much has changed. Does that make you angry when I say that? Imagine being a victim and having to find it out it hard way. I hope you never find yourself here. Hiding, alone, marred by lies and innuendo. I pray that if you ever need help, a safe haven, you are granted it. Without judgment or recrimination. I hope these things, but I also know they will not happen on hopes and prayers. And so I write. I have to. This is all I have. Nothing has changed, but it will. It has to. Because we all matter and God is watching.. 

Again, especially in our present times, let me reiterate, I am pro law enforcement. They have dangerous, stressful occupations. I appreciate the good officers. However I am not going to be silent to abuse of power, I can't. 

Friday, December 12, 2014

The Golden Ticket or How To Get Away With Domestic Violence and Abuse

    If ever you wish to degrade someone, abuse take what's theirs, simply label them crazy first. That's the golden ticket. The shiny reason for doing anything you like to another. Once the monicker is affixed, their world is your oyster.

   I began sharing my faults and follies here to let it out. I had held it all in so long and the situation I found myself in made silence impossible. When I shared the choices I had made and those made for me, the oddest thing began to happened. At least, I found it odd. Some people labeled me brave. What, wait, no. I am not brave. Not at all. I simply could not shut it out any longer. This is me. I struggle. Don't you? Is that supposed to be a secret? If so, it is a poorly kept one I assure you. We are all survivors of something. We have all been through terrible things. Sometimes maybe even done them. Forgive or ask for forgiveness. That was all I have ever meant to say. Let the bad things go.

  What's happening now is a horrible thing. Not because it is an anomaly, but because it is the norm. Let's see what it would take to put you in the Cray Cray DeVille category.

  Do you perhaps have ADD? ADHD? PTSD? Have you ever felt hopeless? Ever been depressed? Are you on the spectrum? How about your parents? Your children? Were you a happy child? Have you ever had a drink? Taken prescribed medication? Were you ever molested? Raped? Have you been a victim of any crime before? By the way, do you take anything for anxiety? Do you take sleep aids? Any antidepressants? Have you been late on a bill? Wait, have you ever had a traffic ticket?

  Answer any of these questions truthfully, and you too can be labeled flawed. Crazy. Crowned the holder of false perceptions. I really loved being told that one. Okay, I am lying. That one is so marginalizing and patronizing that it is inexcusable coming from anyone with the authority to push anything more significant than one of those Staples button thingys. You know, the red ones you press and they do nothing. One of those. You know who you are. That you have reached a position of authority is an awe inspiring misjudgment on someone's part. That you stay there is a tragic testament to the reality of the system you helped create.  Sorry, playing through.

  If leaders in authority actually believe that an individual is mentally unsound, you would think it would be their obligation to seek help for that person. Most especially if they themselves are deciding the future of such a person. Dismissing what they earnestly believe is a mentally challenged person is reprehensible. Taking advantage of it is criminal. So, either I am crazy and Pierce County employees in positions of power have willfully denied me help, or more likely, I am an annoyance. I am unimportant.

  To discern which is true is an easy enough thing. Judge actions and words. They speak for themselves.

  It is so easy to vilify the victim (survivor!) and to absolve the abuser, poor thing. Let me remind you.

   Nicole Brown was "exposed" as being flirtatious, of involving herself with younger men. The kind that might have been paid for  The L.A. Times reported this and also that her vanity license plate was L84AD8. Which, come on, is motive enough right there. Isn't it? They weren't the only ones....not by a long shot. but here's the link in case you've forgotten.

And then there was that sister of hers:

If a family speaks out about the results of domestic violence on their lives...that is what you get. Also, amazing how they carved so many slashes into a person's integrity for no other reason than they have chosen to expressing their pain.

  Do you remember the front page of the Tacoma Tribune for April 26th, 2003? The Saturday morning David Brame killed Crystal Judson? I am very sure her loved ones do. It was a write up on his virtue and accomplishments. A comparison between his accusing, estranged wife and that shining example of Law Enforcement he was held up to be. Try to find a copy of it. I can't. I remember it clearly, however, for reasons that need not be shared here.

 Although, if you check the Tacoma Tribune's archives, you will find this:

  How about Amanda K. Russell. Oh, you haven't heard of her? Well, she wasn't killed by anyone famous. She didn't get noticed until she got dead and Ray Rice beat his fiancĂ©. Then she became a beacon for domestic violence advocates and community activists. A silent Siren's call that only the unjustly indigent can hear and echo back to the waiting world.

  If you haven't noticed, as a society, we like our victims dead. Alive, they are troublesome, stirring pots and making waves. They really do need to shut up and stop making problems. They're liars, unstable and probably guilty of sins that make them unworthy of our help. I mean if their abuser isn't punished it is their fault right? As one Pierce County Deputy's wife said to me on a community Facebook page "There must be something more to the story I was not sharing." Lest we forget, the law is for the powerful and the dead. You see, if they can no longer speak for themselves, then we can! We will varnish over any misjudgments we may have made about them. All will be forgiven if you get murdered. This becomes our time to shine. We will hold vigils, demand justice and attend the funerals. And that mud we used to smear their reputations? Well, we will simply wipe it off and throw it onto their graves. We are all about upcycling. Wait, is that downcycling? Details, details ashes to ashes and all that.

   This really is our moment. We will proclaim our belief in the ending of Domestic Violence. We dedicated a month (October) to it after all and a color (Purple). We even changed our Facebook pictures to proclaim our solidarity to victims, with the caveat that their abuser's aren't a friend/family member/neighbor/co-worker/bandmate/schoolmate/sports figure/famous person, unless of course they do end up murdering their victim, because in that case we can show our importance by saying things like "I always had a bad feeling about them" or "Well, I really am not surprised, I heard..." fill in whatever truth you know about your friend/family member/neighbor/co-worker/bandmate/schoolmate/sports figure/famous person which you have conveniently ignored until it suited you. If you did not actually know them of course, you are still not out of the game. There is always "We shared the same dry cleaner. It could have been us!"

 Do I sound angry? It's because I am. I have worn out words like; horrid, frightened, isolated, overwhelmed. Someone asked me recently, while trying to ascertain if my experience was worthy of attention, why I still bothered about this? I was divorced. I was free. I will admit for the split second between thrilling at the very ideal of freedom (note name of this blog) and slamming into that continuous brick wall separating those being made sport of, from the mere spectators.

   I am not free because I am not safe. I am not safe because my abuser knows he can act against me with impunity. I am not free because I can't expect the same treatment from local law enforcement that any citizen is entitled to. I am not safe because my abuser is free. I am not his first victim. The others are not free either. He maintains relationships with their friends and families, just as he does with some of mine. For some victims it has been well over twenty years and still he watches. Enjoying the voyeuristic thrill of keeping his eye on them. The power of reminding them he is still in control. As he still does with me.

  No, I am not free. I am not safe and I am not going to stop either talking about it. Because I know that he never stops.

Stay safe and uncrazy. Trust me this side of things is not a place you would want to experience.

Some give the golden tickets, some use the golden tickets and still others are crushed in order to mint them.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Secret Keepers and Enablers or How the Harbor Rolls

    There are secrets that we keep to protect those we love and the ones we hide to protect ourselves. For a species that strives to find the truth, we really don't like it. We are resentful of anyone who rips away the nicely organized fantasy of "not in our town, our neighborhood, our house". Lies. We tell ourselves and each other the most convincing fabrications and half truths to avoid the reality we are claim we seek.

  I can't tell you the amount of pain telling the truth has cost me. I have given far more than a pound of flesh. I don't check my e-mail anymore. Rarely my phone. If you want to be sure to multiply what ever harm is being done to you name, it out loud. Proclaim whatever you are stuffing down so that your world seems perfect. So that your friends won't know...I mean don't we all want our friends to think we are more "together" than they are? That we have figured this all out? Isn't that what we do? Covent each others places in life? Ticking off who has the nicer car or home or spouse?

  I knew when I called 911 my life would change. I knew it when I filed for a Restraining Order too. It was as if everything was rushing by me and I could not stop it. I was powerless then and I still am. Anyone who has come from abuse understands what that means. To not have control of ones safety or how others perceive us. To explain everything would be to strip the lies away from those I love the most and that is my biggest secret. How does that go..."I love too well." My abuser uses the best weapon against me of all...those that mean the most, knowing to speak against them goes against all I am.

  When we started our relationship I was struck that he never talked about how I looked. I liked that. Never used one of those lines...seemed rather disinterested. The perfect way to draw me in....He would talk about things he had done, I half listened and believed even less. They all seemed like storied you tell each other in high school or 30 years later at a class reunion. Random and shocking. That is what he was good at. Out of the blue he told me he had no empathy. He had taken some personality test that a seekers church had required all of their worship team fill out. He played in their band. Went on and on about playing rock songs for the Jesus crowd. Liked what he called the exposed flesh that comes with a church of the lost. It seemed a bit "Glory Days" to me, the people we socialized with changed but his stories didn't. It wouldn't matter if they had, I wasn't listening.

  He would fly to Florida on business and come home with stories about how horrible his ex-wife was doing. Spend days talking about her and how he had gone to dinner with her brother or other family members. They had been divorced over 20 years...I thought he must still love her...but no. He just wanted to know she was miserable. That he had taken all he could from her including her family. He keeps tabs on all of his exes. I ignored it. When a family member had a problem that so many stumble over...too many doctors willing to give out medications to numb what they didn't want to feel, he stepped up. He came from that background...he could relate, let him handle it. Then slowly he started taking over other things, rearranging my life...I was M.I.A. I had been married before, I know the give and take speech. I trusted implicitly. In our first years together on the few times we argued he would call my mother....I was 42 years old and my husband was calling my mother to tell on me...okay, it was a bit odd...I finally told my mother nicely to not engage in those conversations.

  We all con ourselves into thinking we have good judgment...that we know who is lying and who is not. How many times have you been fooled by someone you knew in your heart was honest and straight forward? It's always the ones we love the most who cut us the deepest. So, we put a little plaster over the gapping hole that only truth can inflict and we soldier on. We agree to the lie. I am as guilty as anyone. He told me a condensed version of the domestic incident with his last wife, slowly more things came out. Not having the money to buy a car part so he hustled around town until he found the same make car on an used auto lot and talked them into letting him "take it for a spin, to see if his girlfriend liked it"...he harvested the parts he needed, took the car back and told them it ran like crap and he wasn't interested. He ordered a faucet set offline, expensive the kind guests admire in your powder room.  Impressive. When they arrived there was a large gouge and a scratch and he couldn't get his money back. He had ordered them from ebay after seeing them while staying in a hotel on a business trip. So, the next time he went back to that hotel he had tools in his suitcase and that marred piece of hardware that was unworthy of him, and he swapped it out. Came home with another, chic and shiny.

  He regaled his friends with this story and sure maybe they wouldn't do that...but hey no harm no foul. I mean he is always so fun and kind and who is he really hurting. And so we all became secret keepers. We shielded him from his actions. Did things we would never do for this puppet master. He was good, he had been doing this along time. And this I know, there are good people, kind people, that see what he does and turn a blind eye. Maybe they are like I was and feel it is more fluff than fact or maybe because it isn't happening to them they are content to stand on the sidelines and covering for him.

  Above all he is a braggart. He can't keep his own secrets, he must impress with his cleverness, his ability to fool people who think they are smart...It's what he loves most. Feeling the power of manipulating people into suspending their own belief system and bending laws...I understand. I fell for it too.

  I never ask anyone to take my word for it....I will prove it right here...Keep in mind, I have never gone to his work or home or friends...every interaction that has necessitated a 911 call has come from my abuser contacting me. His breaking the restraining order. I can't understand how experienced professionals can't see that pattern. Well, they simply have chosen not to care. They have taken sides and I am ignored or worse taunted on social media by those I reached out to help from.

  Don't take my word for it. I will post the July 12th Police report here and you can read his own words...story number one and then there is an ever evolving shuffling of facts and fictions that followed. Whatever it takes to gain your confidence. He will make you feel important, he needs you,  you are his protector. I know, that used to be me. But listen to his words. Be smarter than I was. So determined to have my happily ever after I filtered out truth.  Listen to the way he talks about women, the way he triangulates females and pits them against each other. He has been doing this along time. He is good at it.

  There are those of you reading this that know exactly what he has done, you know the lies and the tricks and you may have even participated in them. Whether this was your chance to have an adventure or you are like I was, not really believing he meant what he was saying, you know.
You rubber stamp his behavior and spite me for saying the truth. Makes perfect sense. We all are against domestic violence, stalking, harassment, until someone we like or love is the one doing it. Then we blame the victim.  No one wants an ugly truth to wake me from a beautiful lie.

  To those of you that have lied, tricked enabled...that is on you. That is who you are. Own it. I am not going to give up. I am not going to be silent. I have come too damn far in this world to let you or anyone else define who I am. All evil needs to succeed is for good men to do nothing.

  I give you one thought...if they are right....I am just some crazy woman who is bitter....if they are wrong....what then? What do you imagine an abused person looks like, how do you think they act? Overwhelmed, emotional, scared, untrusting.....sound familiar.

   This is happening here. In this town and being condoned by those in power. That scares me and it should scare you too.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Cray Cray DeVille, or what some Pierce County Deputies really think.

    The morning brought me this. It speaks for itself. This is Pierce County Deputy Dan Wulick and his wife and other family of PCSD mocking me and dubbing me Cray Cray DeVille on an open Facebook page.....This is the mentality of the Sheriff's Department that is supposed to serve and protect. Apparently, that means themselves and their own. I am not crazy, I am scared and their attitudes and words show that I should be. If this is what they say in an open forum what are they saying privately? And why? Really, I should be safe in my own home.

        For those of you in doubt, this is how some domestic violence victims get treated when they report it in Pierce County. This is just....what? Horrible. If you thought I was lying about the attitudes of some at PCSD, I say, believe them. these aren't my words. How am I ever going to be able to go home, to just be safe? This is not okay.

      I just want to go home and be safe when I get there. That shouldn't be unattainable.

  If anyone has any thoughts that can help, please comment here...I won't publish it unless you want me to. I am so tired of living in fear and am so....I don't have the words....I feel I have become a target. Why?

Dear Pierce County Deputy, protect this.

  It's late, or early depending on how you look at it and I can't sleep. My mom and step father insisted that I came and stayed with them for a few days. That is how it goes now....I stay at my house for a bit and then they call me or just as often I phone them and there we are again, three people trying to pretend it is normal for me, a grown adult who lives a mere county away, to be a frequent overnight guest.

  Now, I am shaking upset and exasperated. Overwrought because of someone else's words and thinking maybe I should have ignored them. I should have stayed silent. This is a constant inner dialog I have. It doesn't matter whether I speak up or stay still I will be full of self recrimination later. Usually as now, around 1 in the morning I relive the moments trying to correct anything I feel I should have done differently, better. A time when my solutions are hours away from being plausible and sleep has been banished by fear, who also snatched peace of mind and kicked it to the curb I do this kind of useless fretting.

  My family tries really hard to make sure I feel welcome and safe. No one asks intrusive questions. Part of that is knowing the people involved and the other part is respecting my privacy. I had no idea how much of that I would be losing. To have n port in the middle of this storm is a Godsend. Tonight was dinner with family. Enjoying kids and pinochle and just...normal. Then when we three semi-roommates arrived back at the house, my mother asked my to check my blog. She keeps up with these things. Tonight it was a mistake. She didn't know it then, but she does now.

  There was a response from yet another member of the Pierce County Sheriff's Department. And he was none too happy with me.

  I will paste his message here as not to misquote him. Pierce County Deputy Dan Wulick:

    This was from a post on a fb community page. Who does this? This is why I do not feel safe or protected. There are too many Pierce County Sheriff's Department employees who are more concerned with their friends, coworkers and and not for the citizens of Pierce County. I never NEVER wanted any of this. It is hard and horrible and just...I feel like it will never end. I spent the last hour or so trying to calm my 72 year old mother, because she is determined to protect her child from an officer she feels is bullying me. She reminds me daily now that I am always her child, no matter how old I get. I try and remind her that I am a grown adult who has taken care of my own business for decades now.  I hate this. I deplore that my mother, my family, my friends are all caught up in this terrible thing and I can't fix it. I will never understand why this is happening. 

   Why would yet ANOTHER Pierce County Deputy try and insert himself into this? Why? To become aggressive and harass others on a fb page, because of something I wrote? Who does that? There is a part of me that wishes I had never called 911, that just...I don't know what I could have done to differently packed up and fled?  ...but no, that is not right. My abuser has broken laws. He has a history of violence and I am the one openly attacked on social media by a person who should be protecting me? His own words are the very reason I am afraid of which Deputy will come out if I do have to call 911 again.  Somehow I am the "bad" guy. What do I do? I don't know. I truly just don't. 

    My family has taken a vote. They want me to move out of Pierce County. There is the general sentiment that it is not a safe place for me. How does this happen? How does a domestic violence call become this? Is it because I would not just accept the abuse? Because I pointed out misconduct by several deputies? Isn't that what we are supposed to do? Isn't that how we make our community safer and a better place to be? Haven't we already been through this before? I hate this. I am sorry to everyone who has been dragged into this and I am sorry that it is happening at all. 

  I am tired and frightened and somehow feel alone, no matter whose company I am in. This is a lonely thing and I wish it on no one. I am stuck playing that child's game of trying to trade in past choices for anything else. As if there was a curtain number two that I can choose to accept when I can no longer handle door number one. However it doesn't work that way. I can't change I do's or chance meetings. Going over every missed red flag or dropped detail will not undo any of this. I play another sort of game at times like this too....It is the what if game....what if I stopped now. If I retracted everything, lost all that I own including but not limited to my money, my house, car, processions, community, self-respect and dignity. What if I just yelled screw it and let myself be run over by this ever growing avalanche?  I do not know...I never get very far on that one because I can't...I just can't fold myself into a small enough piece, doubled and redoubled over myself so that I will be so tiny that I fit into someone else's idea of what I can be...what I must put up with and what I will give or take to be acceptable to others. 

  I lived a good deal of my life having no control. Not over my physical body or any other details of my life. I can't do that any more. I promised that child I was....I just can't. I have to be big and brave and strong because once again last night I was reminded....I am not safe. Not everyone who should be there to protect me is. 

  I hope you are well and safe and loved. Everyone deserves that.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Dear Pierce County Sheriff's Department

   Standing up for yourself is exhausting. I am not going to lie...this is hard. I see why some choose to stay silent. I had the option. I could have run. However, I am too tired of looking over my shoulder and frankly I have lapped the field trying to get away from this situation. So, instead I am going to stand right here and say it out loud, even if no one else listens. If the Pierce County Sheriff's Department will not stand up for me, I will. I get it, I am all I've got. It is a Zen kind of thing really. At least that's what I am telling myself today.

  I received a letter from Richard Adamson, it is on official PCSD stationary, dated October 28th of this year. I will quote him directly so as not to misspeak:

  Ms. Reamy(sic),

 I have reviewed the investigation into your complaint against Deputy Jacob Kreis and have concluded  the complaint to be Unfounded (yes boldfaced, capitalized?, underlined and italicized! So I know how he really feels.) I understand that your perceptions of the deputy's response may not have met your expectations, but cannot sustain the manual violation that is described in your narrative.

Deputy Kries' supervisor, Saregant Roland Bautista, made it clear in his review of this issue with the deputy that courtesy and professionalism are traits that we strive to present in our contacts with our citizens.


   You get the idea. Now given the heavy-handedness of his insinuation that I seem to have a problem with reality, I am left to puzzle over the last sentence. If indeed, Deputy Kreis did nothing inappropriate, an assertion I strongly disagree with, why then was anything needed to be made clear by his Sargent?  Also, within the language of Mr. Adamson's own letter is both a lack of courtesy and professionalism. Thusly underlining, italicizing and placing in bold font his own addition to the problem and proving that this is a systemic issue within the department. Set all that aside. My Step Father was present for the entire exchange with Deputy Kreis.  Chief of Operations Adamson never spoke to either him or me. So I am left to ponder, exactly how did he investigate anything? Also, since there was a restraining order in place on September 11, and it is evident that my abuser, himself called 911 from the property which he was barred from accessing, how can CoO Adamson's statement be accurate? It cannot. Deputy Kreis had an obligation to check to see if there was a RO in effect. Upon ascertaining that there was one, he was obligated under the law to arrest the offender. Deputy Kreis did neither of these things. Therefore CoO Adamson's words are blatantly false. The records surrounding this matter are public and can be obtained by anyone. I will figure out how link them here, however I don't wish anyone to take my word for anything. Please, if you are so inclined investigate.

  I realize that writing that puts me more in the soup....but really aren't I already there? Telling the truth should never have a tinge of fear around it. This is not a fight I want. Seriously, I have much more in my life to deal with. I am simply being given no choice. I either eat the spoon full of sh*t being passed off as sugar or I say no thank you, I believe I will feed myself.

  Someone, I have no idea who deleted this blog from The Gig Harbor is 404 now and I am locked out of my account. It is still cashed so you can find all of it using Google. If you would like to catch up from the beginning.

   I have had many victims reach out to say they have experienced similar incidents in Pierce County. Why? Why will our representatives spend more money and resources on protecting the abusers than on simply prosecuting them? Their message is clear. However that does not mean that we have to accept it. This is our community and we should not have to live in fear for our protection or of our paid protectors.

  Again, please I do not ask you to believe me out of hand. No one should. These are heavy assertions, I am aware. I am reminded on the daily that I am small and they are big. I got it. These are the tactics of a bully, that's what keeps me going. If you are interested the incident number is IPR#14-096, request a copy. This has been an ongoing drama that is unworthy of our county. I have made several complaints in this journey that began in July of 2013, I understand that the more I complain the less credible I look. Again, a tactic to undermine the abused and fortify the power of the abuser. That will not stop me from continuing to lodge a complaint when it is warranted. I am dismayed by these base, outdated tactics of oppression. Yes, oppression...I actually looked for another word to put there but fits. I am afraid to stay in my home, afraid to leave it, I am afraid to answer the door or even write anything here, but I do and I will. Because this is not right. I will not endorse this behavior by curling up into a little ball in a corner, rocking silently as I drown myself in tears. Not that I don't do those things, I do. I just refuse to stay in that place for long.

  So, to Peirce County Sheriff's Department I say: Come at me as you will. The more you attack me, the weaker you prove to be. Do your jobs handle the county's business and waste no more of our valuable assets on covering up unacceptable behavior.

  And so you know, I am pro Law Enforcement, an irony given that my abuser is not. I didn't pick this place and so I am going to keep going until I am no longer in this shadowed land.

The mission statement for Pierce County Sheriff's is:

MissionThe mission of the Pierce County Sheriff's Department is to protect life and property, to uphold rights and to help build stronger, more livable communities.
Core ValuesIntegrity, Respect, Responsibility, Courage and Compassion

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Abuse by Proxy (Edited)

  When I have to share the facts of that sordid mess I found myself in I am invariable asked..."Why did you stay?" or the more prevalent one "If you were so afraid, why did't you just leave the state?" Run away...

   I've tried to believe that these questions are well-meaning, however sometimes the tone in which they are delivered makes that difficult. Opening myself up by asking for help also means putting my head on the block to be judged and sentenced. Am I worthy of help? Did I deserve what happened to me? Should I have known? My all time favorite: Did I really love him, or just the lifestyle we shared? I have pretty much heard it all by now. It amazes me the things that some people actually believe that these are acceptable questions. This isn't the 1950's. Why is this attitude still prevalent?  I still don't know.  However, at those times I practice that rare gift honed in childhood, I show no emotion. Not on the outside, because what these inquisitive souls have conveyed is that it's not safe for me to share with them. I protect my mental state as best I can and I move forward. It doesn't mean I don't feel the condemnation, I feel the verdict of guilt by failure to flee, of my own poor choices and failings. I know them intimately. In fact, Judge Rumbaugh stated from the bench that I "was the author of my own misfortune." See his cleverness there? I wrote a blog about what still happens in Pierce County and he wanted me to know I was going to pay for that. And I have.

   Did I love my abuser,

  Yes I loved him. No I did not marry him for money. (That one is rather insulting to both of us.), No I do not do drugs, I do not drink, no I did not have an affair with my lawyer (yes, my abuser actually put that in his court filings), I love my daughter beyond words and I will say nothing more about that here...what else is there? Oh, yes...these;

  I did't leave my home (although at times I stayed away), my family, my few friends, all that I had, because I refused to give him anymore. He had taken so much already and I wouldn't allow him to burgle me further. I am not speaking of the tangible things that he has taken, the money or objects we had collected together. I mean the important ones, things like my self worth, sense of wellbeing, my own friends and those he picked for me. The ones I came to care for. Funny how I never noticed we only socialized with his social group, Not until it was too late. How isolated I had become.
   I have come too far. I have fought too hard, for this man, for this county, to make me bow my head again. No more. Am I frightened? Yes, every day. I hate writing that here. I hate admitting to myself and most certainly to anyone else that truth. It is bare, naked and horrible, but it is honest. Please, let me be clear, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am a happy person. I am grateful and blessed. I do not want sympathy, nor pity. I simply want to be safe. I asked for help because this overwhelms me. All I asked is that the laws to be enforced,  and to be left in peace. We are all deserving of that.
I worry sometimes...about who comes after me. He's invincible, Pierce County gave him that. He knows there are no consequences. We really don't matter. Money and image is power.

   There are things I don't understand. Those friends, who knew about his past, who enabled his illegal behavior, who helped him-how do they live with that? Some vanished immediately. At first that hurt my heart. Now I see it was a kindness. Because the vultures who came around to pick my bones, those few, feasted on the little trust I had left. They would say all the right things in the beginning. I let my guard down. I believed in them. They had very specific questions. They gathered up my words and passed on my pain, as if it were a treasure. I suppose in a way it was. To lose a marriage is devastating, friends... heartbreaking. To be betrayed by those you love-well it is a mournful thing and I will never understand it. Some pain can't be healed.

    I hope they believe that they were helping their friend. There is money involved. And my abuser played victim far better than I. Everyone deserves friends and support. I don't want to strip away anyone's relationships. Those who have actively tormented me? Who delivered me his messages, and reported back to him- why? Were their lives just too boring? Did they feel excitement at someone else's pain? I do not know.

   They make themselves abusers by proxy. If that was you, please stop. It was a case of repeated abuse and divorce. Unfortunately, things that happen all the time. Please, just remain dignified and respectful, follow the law. I mean no one harm. I am hurt, not angry. I only want safe passage. All I have ever wanted is that.

  It is okay not to believe me, I don't expect anyone to blindly accept my words.

  Believe his. He has admitted his behaviors, the bruises of his handprint, his bragging of how low he will bring me. There is little doubt. It's a terrible thing to be bullied, spied on, right out in the open. I never thought it possible. You see, growing up my life was filled secrets. Other people's secrets. That I can comprehend. This new sport of harming, hunting someone, with glee is even more frightening and I will never understand. For complete strangers to hate someone they do not know for saying the truth, how is that possible? People don't hate you when you lie, they pay you no mind- but be honest and that will get you enemies.

  I know it sounds....paranoid..I know. I hear it too. But it's the truth so it will have to do. His embassaries took turns coming to my door, wanting entrance. One brought my now ex-husband's girlfriend with her. To our home. Expecting me to let them in. As if that were acceptable or in any way a healthy, normal behavior. Who does things like that?  That neighbor, faux friend told me in the first days of that nightmare, when I was still shellshocked and aching that she didn't like the way my husband treated ME, However she and her husband found him to be a great friend.

   How does that happen? How do we go from compassionate, caring individuals, to turning a blind eye to a monster? I still find myself asking "Who does that?" to no one in particular. Knowing that if anyone ever tried to explain it to me, I wouldn't understand it. And so, I am here...forever puzzling How could this happen and how many more are there like me? How many times has Pierce County refused to enforce the laws? How many women have felt the weight of not only their abuser against them, but an entire County? I hope that you never know what that's like.

   I have had what seemed like perfectly kind people, some joint friends, some acquaintances call to foreign support, within a few words it becomes clear, this is just another recon mission. Some offered a kind word, a strong shoulder-yes, I fell for that a few times. I have cried and grieved with those who were there only as reporters. Correspondents in that brutal war. Was it a desire to be part of something? Was it boredom or loyalty? I don't know. No matter how many times I try to, I will never comprehend it. I feel as if it has become a sport for some.

  Who decides who is deserving of protection? Who is worthy help? I am sorry for this situation. I am repeatedly apologizing to people who really should not have to be troubled with the embarrassment. Still, I will not be silent. I can't. I am all I have. I am never going to stop. Not until this changes.

  I asked someone I trusted, respect for help and she let me know I was opening myself up as a target and then she went radio silent. I don't blame her. I understand. Words are easy, actions much more difficult. People weighting the percentages and tallying up one's values. I know, by now I know this.

     The irony that this is Domestic Violence Awareness month is not lost on me.

  I also accept you are judging me. I can't control what anyone thinks of me. My abuser has already painted me a Golum. I tried to stay above the fray. Things were messy enough without adding mud... I was told to expect that too. Still-isn't it enough? Really? If I had done everything he has said and more, would I still be deserving of his violence? When does an abuser's actions become acceptable? That one is rhetorical. In this no fault state, why would a person set out to smear another in divorce court? Power, control and money, evil.

    It's hard to reconcile the man I thought I had married to and the truth of who he really was. It's difficult for me and I was there, it happened to me. I understand liking him, loving him, believing him. I did, and for that mistake I am dearly sorry. On the upside, I am learning compassion on a Jedi level and for this I am grateful. I am learning not to hide, to speak up and to ask for help. I have made new friends and reconnected with my family. There really is a silver lining. Be safe and be well.

  Those who aided this abuser will be made to answer for their actions. I have to believe that. Because the world's a good place and God is in His heaven. The truth will out. It always does.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Rabbit Rabbit

  If you had asked me in early 2013, I would have said that my marriage had become difficult, my relationship to the person I had married was strained on good days. I knew this was the way of any long term pairing. I could reason my way around most anything. Even an abusive marriage. It's what I did best, making excuses for other people's actions at my own expense.

It's the echo of that little girl so long gone now, but ever present. The five year old who was a pedophile's favorite play thing.

  Sometimes, to survive, we bargain ourselves away. It is a hard habit to break.
In July of that year I was finally finished negotiating with my abuser. Harsh words lead to threats, threats to a physical attack. I was done. We were done, but I had to bide my time.

   Just as on every other occasion apologies were made. Attempts to keep me silent. I obeyed. I stayed still. Every trapped animal knows not to move when their predator has them cornered. I watched the clock, knowing he would be catching a flight in a few hours.......It's funny how survival instincts come back to you, just like being pushed off a bike, you learn how to fall so it hurts less. It took me one more day before I was brave enough to report it. I was trying to minimize things again. Trying to find a way to stay in the balance between reality and the fairy tale I had lulled my judgement, my dignity, to sleep with.

  The Deputy who came out was named Larson. I showed him the bruises on my arms and wrists. The ones that were a perfect map of what was done to me, in blues and reds and purples, some of my favorite colors. There was a bloom of vivid hues on my chest where I had been held down, a knee with weight behind it, on a stone floor. Deputy Larson agreed to take pictures, only after my son insisted. When I bared my shame, my humiliation his response was almost flippant  "Those don't look too bad" he remarked without emotion. I should have known then. I should have realized abuse here was tolerated. His questioning was odd. Did I think my husband was cheating, was he seeing someone? I did not care, that was the last thought in my mind.

   You see the artist, who left me a canvas study in realism, had promised to kill me, to kill my family and I believed him. I still do.

  I forced myself out of the house and filed for a Domestic Violence Restraining Order. I cried the entire time. I hated crying. However I could not stop the flow of tears and with them self blame. I had to enter and reenter information at a Domestic Violence kiosk near my home. I misspelled my name, my address...forgot my birth date. All I could think of was what he was going to do... When he found out I told, what was he going to do to me?

     It's not what you don't know that hurts you, it's the truth that leaves scares that burn.

  Somehow I thought that little paper Pierce County issued me was a shield. A safety net. I was such a child. By January he had broken the order multiple times. Deputies would be called out, but nothing was done. I was told if he was still there when they showed up they would arrest him. That would prove a lie. In September, that flimsy court order was no match for an angry estranged spouse and a sympathetic Deputy. I had been gone out of town for a few days. When I came home I discovered the garage door had been kicked in. I called 911. It took an hour or so, me sitting on the concrete block block steps, grown cold as the sun faded out. That time the Deputy was Kreis. He stepped out of his police vehicle already speaking. "I was just here the day before yesterday. Do you know why I was here?" I confessed I did not. He said my husband had called him out to the house. That he had wanted to file a report against me. That I had taken his things.

  I had my own question. I was shaking as I asked it. "Why didn't you arrest him? He broke the restraining order and you were right here." Deputy Kreis was unmoved. He stated that my estranged husband had said it was not in effect. He later said he didn't check to see if there still was one. He didn't want to discuss it with me. What Deputy Kreis did want to talk about was my divorce. He asked me "what it going to take to end this?" four times he asked. He stated that my estranged husband had told him "all about me." I stood in my driveway stunned. Silent.  Deputy Kreis was not done. Taking a step towards me,  he made air quotes with his fingers and said "Let me give you some "friendly Deputy advice", sign whatever you have to sign, get out of here and get on with your life."

  What is the proper response to such a statement? I stayed still. That night I made an online report of the incident, not for the first time.  Sargent Batista called in response.

  He promised to talk to Deputy Kreis. He assured me there was no reason to make a written reprimand in Deputy Kreis's file. He would not need to talk with my Step Father who had witnessed the conversation. Actually, that was about the gist of his phone call. It was not about the continuing escalation of my abuser's actions, or any plans to keep me safe. No, it was all about helping his own officer.  In the weeks since, there have been more incidents, my mother has been threatened and things stolen from her property. There is no need to point a finger in these things. My estranged husband readily admitted he did it. Yet he is free and I am still trapped.

   I would discover the man I married had a history of assaulting others. A history of arrests. A history of being in possession of guns despite being banned from them. He had been a member of two local gun ranges. He spoke before Kitsap County Counsel to support Kitsap Rifle and Revolver Club. I cannot wrap my mind around that one. When questioned by Pierce County Deputies, in the Summer of 2013, he stated the weapons belonged to me. They did not. In fact they were held in the name of his friend, a gun dealer who sold them to him. Ironically the very man who introduced us, on the gun range in Gig Harbor.  Now, in his latest filings with Pierce County Superior court, my abuser states the weapons are his personal property, that they always were and he seeks them back in the divorce.

  It doesn't matter what he does. He has become emboldened and I am hunted, haunted, tormented with no end in sight. That this is happening here....HERE unfathomable.  For all the fine talk, nothing has changed. I was at the Crystal Judson Justice Center today and I had to ask...."What happens to the others like me?"  What happens when no one will help. When Pierce County Sheriff's Department not only refuses to uphold retraining orders, but actively inserts themselves in domestic violence cases on the behalf of the abuser?

  I am afraid to leave my home. Afraid to be outside. I am fearful when I see a patrol car. Fearful of people. I trust no one. How can I.

I cannot be the only one.

  Where do we turn? Well, for me, I turn to you. Please, pass my words on...remember those that came before and those that will come after and let there be a clear message "This is not okay."

 I send you love, strength and hope, never forget hope. I've no idea what to do, but I am not going to cower. I have overcome too much. This will not be the thing that ends me. I pray, I am not prey. I will not be silent, I will not be still and I will not give up. I will slip the snare.
An Update
I went to the Crystal Judson Justice Center and spoke with an advocate, she was kind and understanding and seemed incensed at the way I had been treat. She walked over to the Prosecutor's side of the building and spoke with someone. She said she would find out why nothing had been done, why charges weren't filed. When she came back she was just as earnest, but not as passionate. She numbered off the list of reasons that the prosecutor chose not pursue the matter. Firstly, she explained they never got the pictures. The ones Deputy Larson had to be prodded to take. Secondly, she said I waited three days to report the incident. I did not interrupt her, I just sunk further into despair as I didn't matter, what happened to me was never going to matter. I did not bother to correct her. You see, I reported the assault the morning after it happened, correcting her was pointless. I have gotten used to this by now. Then she gave me a third reason, the one that carried real weight. I was in the middle of a contentious divorce and they had not moved forward. 
 Actually, it was 2 days before that and one day after I said I wanted a divorce, he was several states away. When I felt safe. I just left. They weren't going to help me. He had been so determined to file first. I didn't care. I had made an appointment with an attorney, but that was a week away. I really didn't realize that it mattered who filed first. How wrong I was. By not filing the paperwork myself, something he did, I set myself up as the villain. A scorned wife. Here we are in 2014, in a no fault state, and if the male files first the female is automatically not to be believed. How 1950's, stereotypical. I am many things, however typical is not on that list. I am a person. I have the same right to not be hit, not be harassed as anyone else and I have the same right to justice and safety. I have never been in trouble with the law, my last speeding ticket was in 2004 for 3 miles over the speed limit. I am private and don't make friends easily. I am guarded. That doesn't make me less than. The fact that in this county a man can still get away with this is nauseating. The things that Pierce County Sheriff's Deputies feel it is appropriate to say to potential victims, whether they personally believe then are not is appalling. Nothing has changed. Nothing. When this man abuses his next victim, and I am sure he will, Pierce County will hold a bit of responsibility. They have sent a clear message and a road map on how to get away with domestic violence. The CJJC says there is nothing they can do for me and they have no idea what I can do. It is devastating. The prosecutor never spoke to me on this matter, never asked for pictures, never even gave me a reason as to why charges would not be filed. I wonder why weapons charges haven't been dealt with. On this last day of Domestic Violence Awareness and while gun control is on the ballots I sincerely want to know why the laws we already have set in place to prosecute violators are not informed. Kitsap Rifle And Revolver Club has my estranged husband signed in as a shooter in there log books. They have him recorded firing on their range. Recordings they have been required to keep. He was listed as a member of that range and on February 13th 2010th (I will check that date) they have footage of him illegally buying a shot gun from a duped retired police officer. A deal that was struck with that same gun broker who supplied his other weapons. It will be on those recorded tapes. Taken on the rifle range on one of the 4th or 5th range, if I remember correctly. I remember it because I am so...shocked panicked that someone who was banned from being around weapons would knowingly do such a thing. It is still the good old boys club and they stick together. Laws are what they use to intimidate those who don't silently scamper away, not for those that they favor. 

Thursday, February 13, 2014


The Smallest Bird is 

While the others vied for power
Sloth could not be bothered. 
He refused to grow in stature, 
instead he honed his energy on
escaping the carrion's glower. 

In fact so tiny was his
and so easily 
was he missed 

he neither flew on 
his own wing 
 hunted his own grist.


He kept himself perfectly still 

until the watcher's eye grew

then slowly ever so 

he would latch onto 
bird and 
ride as if a lord. 

He was a trickster of 
another sort

 using no slight 
of hand 

It was by doing 
the very least 

that he took grew to take 

The toll of this 
was very high
and of course it
 brought him 

He had no choice 
as to what he ate
nor where he chose
 to go


Too weak to hold 
himself aloft 

he was sure to 
someday tumble. 

His body was too 

his achievements