A Time of Mourning and a Time to Fight

   I never understood when other parents would speak poorly of their children, of their struggle to like and sometimes even love their own. I remember a very strong minded woman going on in detail about the failings of her adult daughter and my visceral reaction to her words. It was to me, as if she had committed the unpardonable sin of motherhood. She had somehow found a way to cause a rift with her child, her future in living breathing form. and I shook my head sympathetically while silently finding fault.  Fool. I was such a judgmental foolish soul.

  I simply could not relate. Now, sadly...mournfully I can. I have been so filled with grief and feelings of betrayal that I have wished fervently to strip away all trace of me from my child. To erase me from her. Not to hurt her, but rather to be at peace in this world. How could this have happened? How did we get here?

  A reporter asked me in earnest, why I kept pushing. My divorce was final, why did I not let it go. She said I was free. I am not the only one to be foolish in such things. However, I am sure that just like me, listening to a mother's raw honesty, speaking of a child who was severed from her, she simply had no context in which to frame the situation. It is inconceivable that a relationship would become so torn that I could no longer be mended.  To lie with impunity for their own gain. I would have not believed it possible. Not my child, not our family. Fool that I am.

   It is very simple really. My reasons for not quitting.  I did not lie. My now ex-husband abused me emotionally, financially and physically, systematically over 7 years and he has not stopped. To be called a liar when I finally say the truth...No I will not accept that. There is so much evidence that what I say is true that the only viable excuse for not holding him accountable is that Pierce County is willfully refusing to enforce the laws both local, state and federal, out of what appears to be a vendetta against me for having the gaul to state the obvious. Putting a name on a building and calling it a place of safety and protection does not make it so. And when that truth is pointed out, the clear violation of a messenger's civil rights, victim or no, is not legal. As I was recently reminded, there is a price to be paid. Everyone wants to think the problems are solved that all their hard work and money, their caring has been fruitful. I understand that. It is a worthy cause.  However, not addressing the issue of Deputies who refuse to enforce the law and Prosecutors who are equally unwilling to even look at evidence.... It has to be dealt with. I am not the only one. If you were to speak candidly to the advocates and counselors on the other side of that building, you would see that. Those people work hard and I believe some in the Sheriff's Department do to. However, when they choose to ignore Officer misconduct?  Where does that fit with the "Walk A Mile In Her Shoes" campaign?

   Their own inaction underscore my words. Nothing has changed. They are merely placating the public.  And people like me, who speak out...that treatment hasn't changed either. I have been followed, threatened, left destitute and homeless. All because I refused to play nice. I was warned. I just really didn't believe the vengefulness would be so blatant. So systematic.

  Let me be clear, I don't want anyone to get in trouble, I want them to be trained. I want that building to be what is was supposed to be. I want the steady stream of victims who walk through their doors to matter. Is that so much to ask? And yes, I would like an apology. Not publicly, just an acknowledgement that the way I was treated was wrong.

   I tried to report illegal activities of both my then estranged husband and others and in response I was threatened by a Pierce County Sargent. Warned that my words would be taken seriously and it was a crime to make valse accusations. He said this as an opening salvo to a phone call he made to me. Where does that happen? I have been called every vile name imaginable and accused of many horrid things....however where is the proof? Where are the charges? What are my crimes? My phone has been searched, my computer as well and to what end? When was the last time you heard of a Domestic violence victim having their lives monitored by LE? Not to mention the side talks and taunting. Where does this happen? And why is it being allowed to continue? The truth will come out, all of it. The only way to be a better community is to to fix what is broken and to do that we have to admit it is most definitely damaged.

  When appearing before the court commissioner in an attempt to obtain a permanent Restraining Order on December 2, the commissioner's reasoning for not granting it was that my ex-husband had not done anything since the divorce was granted, two weeks earlier. He had broken it countless times before, but because he had laid low for two weeks...hey, he is no longer a threat. What asinine thinking is that? I get chastised for saying these things...for not softening my words. But let me be clear, this is my life and if my basic rights as a human being are continually violated I am not going to cow-tow to the people who are trampling on my civil liberties. If they can't uphold their sworn duties and have no respect for the laws and rights of those who come before them, they should not be surprised when they do not receive the respect they think a job title allows them.

  In court just the other day my ex-husband's attorney Mr. Rogge, stated that they had used a private detective to, in some way serval me. This seems to have broken the restraining order...but in this county those aren't worth the paper they are written on if the Sheriff's Department and the Prosecutor's Office refuse to enforce the laws they are supposed to uphold. By the way, I have never been interviewed by the Prosecutor's office, nor has my mother or step father who have all been witnesses to various abuses of both the ex-husband and Pierce County Sheriff Deputies and the issues with my daughter.

  It has been made very clear that not only does what happened to me not matter, but my continuing to seek justice and change have made me a target of Pierce County's many departments. First Sargent Villemosa (hope I got that spelling right) then Deputy Kreis and Deputy Wulik, then the female prosecutor at the Crystal Judson Center who refused, on the record, her words, to look at any evidence of spousal abuse that I put in front of her. She said this, while looking at the bruises left on my chest by my abuser's knees. Next, moving on to Judge Serko who intentionally made it impossible for me to hire an attorney and refused to allow me funds to do so. Let me remind you that my ex-husband's lawyer was paid well over $20,000 from MY portion of marital monies. My support was also deducted from that same stream of money, mine. I did not come to my marriage broke, nor did I fail to contribute to our finances during our marriage. I financially bailed my then, husband out multiple times. Now however, because I am disabled, I am labeled a gold digger and a liar. Not just any liar-no the worse kind a lowly thing that would try to use spousal abuse as a way to ... gain what? This is a no fault state, there is no benefit in a divorce court for such claims. My abuser going to jail would harm me financially and I would have lost my health benefits. I had nothing to gain by coming forward and so much to lose. All I wanted was to be safe. To be heard. To be believed. And it's the cruelest thing of all that the very people that are supposed to support and protect victims aren't.

  The Sheriff department has the photos of my bruises, my medical records have been offered up, text messages and e-mails of my abuser admitting the abuse and apologizing ... all ignored. Because I am not a good little girl who bows her head and crawls away, I am a pharaoh. Mocked, shunned and financially punished by a Superior Court Judge who doesn't even pretend to follow the rules of the court or the laws of our state. I am left homeless, penniless and now he is threatening to take my car as well. My ex-husband has two vehicles, much newer than mine and of course paid off, 2 houses all of our financial assets and many of mine that I came into the marriage with, ordered by the Judge. I have been awarded exactly nothing. Because I have no attorney, no advocate and no money to retain one. I am alone and overwhelmed.

  Where in the realm of the law does a marriage with assets over $900,000, in a 50/50 state that is no fault leave one of the parties penniless? Literally owing the other party money? Where is it acceptable for a person to come before Supreme Court Judge with no evidence of any debt, not one receipt or bill, simply their word and they are given their spouses private property to absorb those none existent debts? How after taking that property to cancel out debts does that party have no right to the property that caused the alleged bills?

  So, I paid for my ex-husband's attorney, I paid for my own support. I paid for all the "debt" and I received...nothing. My clothes and a red couch and best of all Edgar.

   I will scrap the money together to get the transcripts and place them here...maybe someone out there can explain the comments and judgements handed down from the Judge Serko and Judge Rumbaugh in this case, because they defy reason.

  I am not done. I could careless for the person I thought I married, that is long in the past. However the continue misuse of the system to further his abuse...no, that will not do. To brand me a liar and worse, no. That is what drives me forward. I told the truth. I trusted the system and I have been punished for that.

  Now what of that adult who is also my child...we are broken in a way that I cannot see as fixable. Others tell me to give it time...but how?

  You see, the second time my abuser attacked me I left and went to my daughter's home. She and her husband had already talked to me about some inappropriate behaviors of my then husband. She worked for divorce lawyers, Lambino Martino (a law firm you may have heard of).  She spoke to Mr Martino and told him I would call. I did but couldn't get through the interview. All I could do was cry. I felt so....betrayed, stupid, foolish.. how could I end up there again? When you do not grow up experiencing love..it makes it difficult to identify what it is. You do not know it. I stayed with my daughter for a few days, while my abuser texted his pleas for me to come home, his apologies and promises...My daughter had a plan, remove one half of the money from our bank account, which was in the 6 digits and stay with her and her husband. Her boss would represent me.

 I made it to the bank, a Wells Fargo in Olympia and wrote out a check, trembling the entire time. In my fear and trepidation I dropped a few zeros on the withdrawal slip, still it was enough for an attorney. The teller said I needed approval from the manager for the withdrawal, because it was not my branch. I was ushered to her desk. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes, knew I was powerless to stop them from rolling down. Hating myself for being so weak, so small I sat before her.  She was all business, insisted that she must call my husband before releasing any funds to me....from our account...with my name clearly on it, it felt as if I was once again trapped, less than. As if I were a wayward child and not a grown adult with valid I.D. and a bank account. The tears flowed freely then. I felt humiliated. Of course he said no. Then he asked to speak to me. There were more pleas to return home, I had to hang up. I fled to the silence of my car and bawled as my phone continually rang. After four calls I answered. His message was simple come home and so I went.

  My daughter was furious. She told me if I left him again I could not come back to her house. I had left twice before and she closed her door to me. Life went on, every time I made my own money, my husband insisted I hand it over or withheld money telling me to use my own. In short he kept me broke. I did not see it for what it was at the time. Whenever we went out he was generous, but that was the rub, it was always his choice and his control of the finances.

  In one way he changed when I returned. I did leave three more times, staying at the Wesley Inn on those occasions, relying on my own credit card, which I kept despite his insistence that I close the account.  As stingy as he became with me, the more generous he became with two of my children, my daughters. He instructed me that I was no longer allowed to give them money or even things without going through him first. He started seeing them without me. He cut me out of my own family, my own life. He took them looking for cars for my daughters and travel trailers for my son-in-law, big screen TVs and Apple laptops became plentiful. I was happy for my children. They were all struggling to start their own adult lives. I was grateful. Until he started planning vacations that I would not be invited to. Saying I wouldn't enjoy going. Meeting over lunches and dinners that I was not to attend. It was humiliating...the isolation. The powerlessness. The sting of knowing your daughters would go so willingly along....

  When that last horrible night/early morning happened I had no idea the side relationships and plans already in place.  I called my children, my reasons for living, the ones I trusted more than any soul on this earth, it never occurred to me that they knew already. That plans were being made and lies told to placate me, to delay me....I had no idea until I saw my daughter standing next to my estranged husband...I could not comprehend it. She had been texting me all day. Messages of love and support and also inquiries as to my plans and whereabouts...I was clueless.

  The fact that this is a heart wrenching repeat of my childhood is not lost on me. Again those that are supposed to be loyal and loving choose to discard me, to once again find me disposable to further their own gain. That it's being done by those that I loved most in this world....is a grief I would not wish on anyone. The betrayal and the lies....tonight, in this moment I cannot see the possibility of reconciliation. A barrier has been put up so big that I, who tilt at windmills simply cannot imagine moving this one of stone. The one between us. I mourn the death of their loss, which is made all the worse for the studied intentionality of it.  8 years ago I had three children who gave my life meaning. Today, I have one. Loyal, kind hearted, I am so proud to be his mother. It doesn't take away the pain of the loses.

   I grieve. I grieve a loss of trust, the devastation of betrayal, I mourn the death of a false reality of a happy, loving family. I understand that mother's pain, the one I too shunned and blamed so long ago. Compassion. I am forever learning to be more compassionate.  A fool's quest is knowledge.

  I keep meaning to put up the texts and the other proof. I don't know why I can't so far. I suppose it will make it real. There is a deep humiliation and pain to know that those I love most do not return that love. There is something about your child's smile that heals and breathes life into a parent and as in all things, the other side of that is the haunting, gnawing ache from the loss of that magical balm.
Of all the things taken from me, those are the things I will forever mourn.