Friday, November 30, 2012
Many things have been going on lately that have both tested my new found resolve to change my ways. That is to be expected I suppose. If it were easy, I would have been doing it all along. Somedays, very slowly I creep back into my victim role. That cloak of despair I have worn so long. It is frayed at the seams and tends to drag on the ground behind me. Picking up dirt and bad moods as it goes. It is almost a comfort. That robe of shame and misery fit so well. I had come to think of it as apart of my identity. And wondered who I would be without it. An outer shell that kept the world at bay. Yes I wore that dingy piece of clothe as if it were a work of haute couture. Letting it flow around me as I moved through this world. It was a warning and a symbol of martyrdom. It was all that I had achieved. How sad of me. How incredibly limiting. It took so much time to see it for what it was. I cannot believe how the years have flown by with me clutching it's stifling cocoon of fear and blame. Someone had done something to me. I was a wronged party. So ready was I to take up that label of victim that at the mildest of slight I was off on a rant. Looking over my shoulder at that reeking heap of ill fitting clothing, I cannot believe I ever carried it with me. How could I possibly have a happy healthy future if I did not let it go. It had become itchy and torn, smelling of anger and vindictiveness.
No, I would have to let it all go. I would not donate this cape of victim, I will destroy it. Burn it in a symbol of my moving forward. There are going to be days when my feelings get hurt. When things do not go as I planned. So it is with everyone. I am still so new at venturing out into this world and dealing with others. I am still learning to navigate relationships. I must stop thinking like a victim. No one does things TO me. They express themselves. They are on a journey as well. I must remember that. I am so used to thinking that I am the only one off kilter. I tend to fall into the mindset that everyone has had a wonderful life. That things have gone well for them and that they do not wear their own mantel of blame. I am learning to take myself out of the equation. To look at others words and actions and instead of seeing how they affect me, I am noticing what is says of them. What flick of truth can be gained by a few spilt words. The ones that were dropped in anger. Those that rain down to create a pool of hate. I do not have to go wading in them. I can choose to walk another way.
So I stand here and wonder, what do I have? I must lay down my armor and now my cloak. What does that leave me? I have been pondering this for sometime. Looking at things to achieve after you are issued your platinum victim card. And slowly, it came to me. I must strip it all away. To move forward into a better life, I must take those painful things and lay them down. They go on the mound with so many other things that hold me back. My temper, my cutting words, I must put them all on the funeral pyre and light one more match. It will be a glorious fire. One to put the burning man to shame. I can close my eyes and imagine it now. So much hissing and spitting coming in waves. The last attempt at clinging to me as the flames vanquish their power. I must remember this exercise. Draw on it as need be. I have always thought these things made me strong. The quick wit that I so easily let rule my life. The sarcasm and joy in pointing out other's flaws. They made me feel better somehow. To see that others where no more happy than I. Misery does indeed love company and I seemed to be the hostess of the Grief Gala. Oh yes, I loved to hear of another's misfortunes. It underlined my belief that this world was not for me. That is was bad and wicked and that I should stay as far from it as I could. I barricaded myself in a self made cage. I lived in a darkness that I had constructed. And in this mental state, it seemed to me that everyone was out to get me, to do me harm.
I was always looking for the catch, the string that when pulled would reveal a person's try motives. Such a painful sad time I had. It was my own doing, I created this land of shadows. And only I could leave it behind. My list has changed. I have always carried hope, we talk of that often, but what else? Clear vision, would be needed. So that I can tell when someone else is in pain. When I could be the casualty of another's biting remarks, instead of slicing back in my own defense, I must see them as they are. A soul who feels they still need their armor. I will give them safe passage. If I can not lighten their load, I can certainly refuse to make it heavier. I wish you well today. Know that people will hurt you. Some intentionally, but more often it will be an accident. One misplaced word rubbing up against a tender spot, yet to heal. Let it be. See the scared child behind the grown up face. We are all trying to get through life. Many of us have no charts and only a leaking boat to get us there. I must remember that. For me to be the person I have in mind and to get to that place I still search for, I must first be naked of all forms of defense. And I must help others mend their sails. The secret to happiness it found in helping others find theirs. Such a magical discovery. Try it. Pick one or two people and inundate them with praise. Give love with no expectations and we can change this world. I know we can, we are doing it now.