Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The Giver The Taker The Maker

                                                The Giver, The Taker, The Maker
  As I go along in life I must choose. What do I take with me? What have other people given me and is it enough? What I do not let go of, I must drag behind me. Words and deeds weight me down until I can no longer move forward for the tremendous boulders that have only grown larger for their distance from their inception to the present. Like some kind of ever growing snow ball made of memories of things long gone. At some point I must realize these are not my treasure. These are not my legacy. People have been hurtful to me. I could probably name each and every large stone that had once been a pebble. Oh, it is so, so easy to play the victim. To be the one wronged. As if there was some kind of penance that I wished to have paid. I would gather my hurts around me and show them off as if they are prized processions. And  compare. Goodness how I'd compare. Have you seen this one here? My mother gave me that in the Summer of 1998. She called me fat in front of my entire family. Well, do you see this one here? My ex husband flirted with my best friend and she flirted back. I will never trust again. The air of triumph dripping from every word.

 It is as if there were some great contest, an award to be given for the biggest martyr of all. I have spent many hours listening to the back and forth of crimes. Real and perceived. It took me so long to learn that there is no winner. Bad things happen. The rain will fall. It is not what happens to me, but rather what I do with it. Do I use it to move forward? Adjusting my coarse as need be, or stop where I am, refusing to move until some penalty has been paid. Someone owes me something. And I will not be cheated out of it. Too much had been taken from me already. As if there was some kind of bank of woes that paid out with interest for everything I endured. Now part of this is simply being able to cry out. To finally say "this thing happened to me" as if I would never be quieted again, I continued to bemoan every and all slights that occurred. Oh, it is tiresome to think back on it all from where I am now.

  Whatever it is, let it go. I do not say forgive. I cannot ask that of you. I do not say forget. That would be a lie. I say let it lay where it was given to you. Do not lift it up. It is not yours to carry. It belongs with the giver. There are those people who go through life stealing love and money and years from others and smugly walking away. They hand out little stones of hurt and hate and they are gone. Whomever holds out their hand to grab hold of the token of pain becomes the taker. They lift up this black thing handed to them and they carry it like a badge. With each retelling of it's birth, it grows. Hard and cold, with no purpose at all but to sway the back of it's keeper. We are not meant to be beast of burden. It is why we will be brought to our knees by the weight of it all, if we choose to keep these cursed gifts. There will come a day when you can go no further with your ill given gains. A decision must be reached. To stay and be the caregiver of all your troubles or to leave them unattended. They need nothing from you. Stop feeding them.

   Again I will say it, I will always say it. It is what you do with what you get. What you keep and what you make. This is your life. How glorious is that? Oh, please do not look at the pile of dirty clothes in the corner or half eaten crusts of days old pizza. Look far beyond where your physical body now sits. Close your eyes and grab what you have inside yourself. What do you want? What do you need? Are these thing attainable? Then Make a plan. How will you get there. Do not lay out the things you do not have or why it cannot be done. There is nothing to be gained from counting the negatives. Time goes so fast in this world and it is all moving past us. As long as we are breathing, the world is full of the possible.

   I have had set backs. There are things that I wish were different. But wishing and wanting, crying and complaining will not bring me any closer to my own dreams. Remember all things given are not presents and all things taken are not wanted. Most importantly be a maker. Craft a wonderful life. Be kind and give grace. Forget how to count your woes. Count your blessings double. The greatest thing I could wish for you is that you love and you love and that you remember that you are the maker.


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