Monday, March 4, 2013
When I started writing, I was looking for an escape. For my words, for my feelings and most of all for my deep corrosive anger that affected everything in my life. I was so broken, my little boat listing so far on it's side that I honestly did not think it could be righted. I told you that I was looking for the place I did not know. The one not found on any map and until today, I had not found it. It occurs to me that we often mistake strength for weakness and weakness for strength. We have been taught to stand up, to attack, to hurt those that would do us harm. And there will always be a place for that, sadly. But it is not a way of life. The bare truth of the matter is that I used to look for reasons to be upset. Cut me off in traffic, I had a few choice words and a finger or two for you. I was always in warrior mode. I had a great gift for finding reason to be annoyed, as I most always was. It had become a lifestyle.
It is a hard way to live. I never let anyone get too close. People were not to be trusted. And I received just what I thought that I would. By putting anger out, I got it back multiplied. A crop not worth harvesting. And yet I must. I had sown those seeds and so I must clear the field. Till it over and start again. I went looking for GRACE and I found it today, cloaked in forgiveness. I knew the answer long ago. I was just too stubborn, too connected to the pain to let it go. That ache that itched, right below the surface of my mind. It was the wrinkle in my newly ironed linen. The flaw I carried as a treasure. I was proud of my ability to stand up and to speak out. Anger gives you that. But with all things there comes a price and anger's tax was high.
I hurt people I loved and strangers with sharp words and pointed accusations. I used my anger as an excuse to let that dog run free. It was up to me to repair the damage. I had to hold myself accountable and see the fault was mine.
I was doing a simple thing when I found it. Oh, not in any drawer or cupboard. No, it was with me all along. We are created to find Grace. It is not a denial of events. Nor is it sacrificing your own happiness to another. No Grace does not ask us to be a martyr. It asks us to look beyond ourselves. I have never been so at peace and filled with a sense of wellbeing. I have moments where I am simply overcome by joy. This is the gift forgiveness gives.
It is more about letting pain go and allowing yourself to raise above a set of circumstances. I cannot tell you where you will find it. I simply know you already have it. I send you love and happiness and smooth sailing and if the wind picks up and it gets a little rough, remember this is your world too. You are in charge of your life and at the end it is up to you to man your station and save yourself.
Posted by Chele at 7:31 PM