Saturday, August 4, 2012

Before you can walk, you crawl

      We went to the beach and to Disneyland and I tried not to think too much.  My Husband got orders back to Washington.  I already knew I was pregnant, and although it was planned, I felt it as he became even more remote. He would take the phone into the bathroom for hours, speaking in hushed tones. I would listen at the door. Trying to pick up a clue as to what he was thinking or feeling, any sign of hope.  He was an island, and I could not swim.  We moved into the same small town I had come from.
   My friends from school came to see me, to rub my tummy and catch up. I was the first married and it seemed to put an invisible barrier between us. I was eight months along when my husband said we needed to go to my Mom's. It wasn't so unusual. He did odd jobs for her, so we went. When we walked into the living room he nudged me towards my Mother and said he was giving me back. I do believe I died a little just then. I turned to see if he was playing, he most definitely was not.  My Mother, to her own credit, didn't bat an eye. She told him she had given me to him and he couldn't give me back. Sweet Lord was this really happening? My humiliation was complete.  We somehow got  back home, and it was my turn to barricade myself. I stayed away from him and he spent most of his time with the friend I thought I had. After her daughter was born, he announced he was taking her to an AA meeting and that I needed to watch her new born. I must have been just short of nine months, and very sick, but I did it. I waited for them all night. They left at noon one day, and came home about ten thirty the next morning.  As soon as she walked in, I walked out. I went home. Into the room I had created for our baby. I stayed there sitting on the floor for a life time, long enough to give up on my dreams.

   I had an emergency c-section, my Husband was there for the birth and left right after. He didn't come the next day or the next. I called him early on the third day, he picked up and I heard her, my friend. In my house, in my bed. He hung up on me.  His Mother flew out to see the baby. she bought clothes and diapers and every thing a baby could need. He showed up dutifully everyday with her. She stayed for three and then she was gone, and so was he.

  The day I was discharged, my Mother took me home. He wasn't there when I came home. He said he had duty and would be home the next day. He could have taken leave. He chose not to. I knew he was seeing someone else. Someone he worked with. She would call the house and tell me that he was with me because I was pregnant. That he didn't love me and worse. I never hung up on her. I think I needed to hear those words. I needed to hear the truth. I started counseling right after my daughter  was born. I was at rock bottom and I needed to find a way to at least make it to my knees. If you can get to your knees you can always crawl.

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