Monday, August 6, 2012

Miracles do happen

  Years later, the man who stopped me that night in the club told me his friend had taken one look at me and told him "that's my Wife".  And he pursued me like I was. I was distant, he came closer. He never pushed too far but he came up to the line, more than once. My mother seemed to not want to accept the fact that I was separated.  She badgered and bullied and I would not move. My aunt was much more supportive. She thought it would be hard, but she was doing it. She just wanted me to make sure it was what I wanted. I was sure, I wanted out. When someone hurts you more than you love them, you let go.

   We had a Christmas party at the restaurant and this new man came along. He was a little buzzed when he got there I could tell. And my sister's husband decided to nudge him along. When I walked him over to meet my mother, he put his arm around her and called her mom. It was priceless. She stuttered and stammered and said she was not his mother and then she stormed off. She hated him and that was good enough for me. We started dating after that. I watched him, I watched all the time. I looked to see if he had a wandering, he did not.  I eventually introduced him to my daughter, and I watched even closer. For anything, a look, a glance a touch, nothing.  I left her with him while I went to the store, parked down the street and walked back and into the side door. They would be playing blocks or reading or watching movies. I ran the shower and listened at the door. I was a woman on a mission.  I would rather have been alone forever, than for my daughter to endure what I had. He never gave me cause to be concerned.

   Oh, there were signs. Red flags and red herrings. I saw none of it. I had two things on my list and he had passed both. What more could I ask for? I moved into a bigger town away from my mother and the weight of her judgements. She had gotten into the habit of walking into my house uninvited and unannounced if his truck was in my driveway. She was rude. Telling him to get out of her daughter's house. It was enough. I needed space. I got a great job and found a nice apartment for us. He came over often and eventually, he just didn't leave. There was never a discussion, like mold or mildew he was insidious. We had dated three months when he asked me to marry him. We were parked by the water after going to dinner. I laughed. I thought he was joking. He had to be joking. I was still married. My husband still wouldn't give me my freedom. I was honest with my husband. He knew I was seeing someone and he didn't care. I was his wife that was not going to change. He finally came back to the states and flew up to see me.  He was sad and I was unavailable. It wasn't the other man. It was too many other people in our marriage. I couldn't even see him through the crowd of bodies anymore.

   We broke up, the new man and I, can't remember what it was about. I went out. I hung with my friends. He tracked me down and stood at the bar watching me. After a half an hour or so he asked if I was ready to leave, we did. This became a pattern. It was never more than a day or two and the rifts were slight.  He was a jealous man and I, never knowing better, I thought that meant he loved me. It showed how much he cared. Yes, that is how broken I was. I could mistake almost anything for love. One Saturday morning he again broke up with me, he wanted to go out with his friends. And he started to leave. I told him to pack his stuff. He said he would be back. And I said no, he wouldn't be coming back. He decided to stay.

   My daughter had been a miracle.  I was lucky to have her. The doctors said there would be no more.  I poured so much into that little girl. And for three years, they were right. And then, they were wrong. I was scared.  I had one child, was separated from her father and pregnant by someone else. Oh hell, how did I get there? I had taken my destiny into my hands and THIS is were I ended up? I was mortified. I told him two days later.

  There is nothing like being pregnant by another man to get a Husband to give you a divorce. I don't recommend it. I am very sure there is an easier way. But, simple never came easy to me.  I was free on one hand and tangled in another man's net in the other.

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