Saturday, September 29, 2012

Friend or Foe

   I watching CNN this morning. I do it every morning. And I learned something new. You know that whole going to Mars to see if there was ever life there thingy? Well, they found round rocks. At first I did not understand it. There is really no shortage of round rocks right here on Earth. However, this was a big find. Apparently round rocks means that there was once water on Mars. Now, I can hear you out there, what the heck is she talking about now? Well, you see if there was no water, those rocks would be jagged. They would be sharp edged and pointy. They are not. They are smooth and round without a cutting edge. So this made me ponder.

  We need to take those stones that we carry, those ones that press into our flesh as we bring them into our future. We must make the edges smooth. It is true we cannot set them all down. Some are ours to carry. But, we can make it easier. We can be healthy and smart and honor the child that still lives inside of all of us. I had a small conversation yesterday, with a lovely woman how always offers me praise and support. She spoke of her hurt. The victimhood someone else's sickness has cast on her. She was carrying many things. But, a few of those stones on her back were not hers. She expressed a feeling of shame and a self blame that hurt my heart. I listened to her as she let it all out. Showing me each jagged rock. I did an inventory of everything she brought forth and I pointed out her error. She had a stone called blame. Anther was called shame and still another "dirty." I corrected her in the usual way. I explained that it was not her fault. She did nothing wrong. i felt I was not reaching her. As truthful as those words were, they are pat and predictable. We have all heard them. So I rounded back to something I knew she would grasp.

  I said to look at her own child. That sweet innocent, beautiful daughter whom carried her mother's heart with her. Then I said imagine everything, EVERYTHING that had happened to the child she had been, had happened to her child. Do it with me now. Fully feel that. Would you have blame for that child? Would they be dirty or unloveable? Would their value be diminished by another's actions? I hope you felt that hitch. That little skip in your chest, when you imagined these things. think how you would comfort your child. What would you do or give to help them? Now remember, YOU are your first child. You deserve better. You deserve a love unyielding and a life lived well. That child that you were needs you. If you abuse yourself, you abuse that child. Hasn't it been enough? Hasn't enough been taken and still more withheld? If you walk on the same path as I do, if you get drawn into the shadow, stop. Do not take that child back there. Do not take you back there. Be vigilant. On guard. Let no one hurt that tiny soul living within you. Honor the child. We cannot all get the measure of justice I was able to. Abusers die or move on. It may just be too hard. There may be family and friends who want you to bury it. A pressure we all feel. It is all too real. The message is always the same, "get over it."

  This is always uttered by those who have no idea of the pain. I say do not get over it. Mourn. Mourn the lose of innocence. Mourn the pain and the fear that has dogged you for so long. Acknowledge that you have been change and then, let go. Let go of the pain. Let go of the shame. These are not yours to carry. Lay them all down. It will be hard at first. Having labored under their weight for a life time, you may feel naked without them. but wait for it. Wait. Feel your soul getting lighter. Your mood raising up. What happened to you, does not define you. It is a bad thing, that happened to a good person. A crime perpetrated on you. I am off on a tangent today, I know. But this is on my heart and I must set it down here for you. Find a new mirror. One with no cracks or blemishes and reevaluate your image. What you project and who that makes you.

  You are not a conglomerate of things done to you. You are defined by what you do, nothing more. Love that first child. They have waited far too long for you to accept them. As always, you are not alone. We are all out here. We bare no shame. We are worthy and we are many. I send you love today. Love and understanding and always acceptance.

1 comment:

  1. Michele, thank you so much for your honesty and thoroughness of giving us a sense of possibilities for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I hope to help you reach a wider audience; so many need the testimony of a person who fought back with justice (within the justice system) and won. Blessings and keep sharing your miracles — we need to know there's a better way to deal with childhood trauma than keeping the perpetrators (and their enablers) shame trapped within us. Secret Keeping has meant death to so many.
    ~ Jennifer Manlowe, Book Mentor and Author of "Faith Born of Seduction: Sexual Trauma: Body Image and Religion"