Wednesday, October 10, 2012
A Place Yet Unknown
A Place Yet Unknown
I realize we have not really been moving forward lately. I have been waiting to see if the tide would rise and send me off to the place I am trying to get to. I cannot find it on my map and it is not yet into my heart. I am having a disconnect between my head and my soul. And that is not good for me. I am trying to get to a place called GRACE. I cannot forgive my parents. They are not sorry. My mother clings to the idea that we did not have a hard childhood and I would never reach out to my father. He is not living in the world I have created for me. He simply does not exist. However, my mother will not stay disappeared. She pushes into my life as if it is her right. Watching Homer leave and coming home so low, so lost. I tried to come to some kind of terms with my own relationships. It is what started me pouring all of this out. Trying to reason with myself. I need to be clear here. I am in no way concerned with whether my mother leaves this world with a peace about me. I do not wish to appear to be cruel or mean. I simply am do not accept the responsibility to make her feel better about her choices. She needs to find that. I cannot take part in her own struggle to find truth. It is beyond me. We all must accept the course we have set for ourselves. I am a big believer in taking full accountability of my own actions or inactions.
I do this for myself. I cannot grow, or learn, or heal if I do not assess my own life and change course when I need to. I have the power in my life. And my desire to find a place called GRACE, is for me. I do not wish to regret. I will only get one chance when that time comes and I want to get it right. My soul says sail forward. It assures me that I can do this. That we can get there from here. However, my head will not relent. I do not feel anger. That has long ago been spent. A princely sum I have given up. More than silver or gold. I gave up my time, my life. I handed over so much of me to feed the rage I allowed to grow unchecked. I gave up piece of mind and the ability to heal. I sacrificed so much, and then I said NO MORE. Not one more piece of me would I feed to that retched beast. It is not an easy thing to tame rage. Anger always wishes to be appeased. A sacrificial lamb on the alter of hate. And it is hate. Some will say no. Try and reason that is is hurt. No, hurt does not lash out. Hurt does not destroy in a reaction to it's own loss. It is clearly hate. And when I assigned the right name to my actions, the correct motive to my behavior, it became easy to start to let it go.
I will not be drunk on bitterness. I refuse to gorge on wrath. I had given so much. Looking back it brings me sorrow. I only wish I had come to this place sooner. This shallow pool of clear water that is honesty, surrounded in peace. GRACE is a mercy not earned. A pardon undeserved. This is my hope. That someday I might reach that magical place that is so much harder to attain than simple forgiveness.
It would be easier if I never spoke to her again, my mother. It would be so much less of a struggle. You see, when she calls she is either wispy, light in her mood. Very casual. As if everything between us is settled. As if there is no place on her map called honesty. And that is a trial for me. It is the constant denial. The constant editing of my life that I can not abide. Not so long ago, she told me my father was the love of her life. That they had had a magnetic attraction. That when he entered a room there were sparks. You see that is what I can not take. I can muster up so much. I can summons a sense of peace. I can hold rage at bay. However I cannot, no matter how mush I try ignore the truth. I can not go so far into that dark land so that I would no longer see reality. She asks too much.
So here I sit. At anchor. my little boat slowly turning in circles. I have found no solution. I will keep looking. Checking the horizon for a sign. A beacon. I can see a lighthouse. It's search light scanning over the troubles seas of my thoughts. Warning me not to come too close into the shallows. To not end up crashing on the jagged rocks of denial and lies. To not barter away my soul with either self deception or self sacrifice. No, I must move forward carefully. Her behavior is unbecoming. Unyielding in her attempts to force her fantasy world on me. We are at a stalemate. Which is very naturally, where GRACE comes in. I will sit here a while longer. Keep me company if you like. I may not be able to find my way. I may have to pull up anchor and move on to somewhere else. A safe harbor. Because a storm is coming. I know it. I can feel it in the air. I also know, I will be okay. I will come out of this unscathed. I will mourn the mother I never had as I say goodbye to the one I did. I will lay all that they gave me to rest. And be stronger, kinder. A more loving being. Now lets lay out that map one more time and see if we can make our way to our appointed destination.
Posted by Chele at 3:09 PM