Thursday, October 25, 2012

Filling in Holes

It is a sad thing when I come to realize that the person I thought I knew so well, is nothing at all as I had imagined. And that is exactly what had happened. I had imagined them. I filled in their details, their facts and habits. I made them better than. Shiny and bright. Witty and smart. Kind and generous. I would rush into one friendship and then another. One marriage and then one more. Thinking that I had chosen better. That I had finally got it right. We see people through a foggy lens of what we want things to be. It is a hard thing when those details that we have sketched out are all wrong. Of course, there is the other end. Those people who are assigned negative attributes in order to strengthen our own dislike of someone. I am stuck here today. in that place when I realize that what I thought was one thing was actually another. It is such a bitter pill and I hate it's stinging taste. Dry on my tongue. it is a hard thing to walk away from someone whom you looked up to, not for who they actually were, but who they actually are. It is a thing I bring from my childhood. If I know this thing, whatever it is, I must not ignore it. I must act upon it. It is probably connected to that shrunken piece of my brain. It will not let it rest. Once I know a thing is wrong I must either try to fix it or leave it behind. 

  That little paragraph there, the one you just read, left me sad for two days. Stuck in a sad spot I did not belong. And that was the key to getting unstuck. I was somewhere I did not belong. Had allowed myself to let that string slip. The one tied to my wrist. I had tried to carry too much. I had tried to stay in one spot and go forward. It could not be done. I had wanted to wait. For some to catch up. I wanted to take them with me. It was not mine to do and so I naturally failed. And that brought me low. I could not make them see. They had their own boat and their own journey to take and we had come to the point where choices must be made. To go this way or that. I thought and thought, paced and pondered. How could I go my way and yet not leave them? How could I show them my chart? If only they could see what I saw, I knew we would set off together. But is was not to be. They had their own map and were set that their way was best. And so, I have taken up anchor and set my sails. I will remember the good and acknowledge the bad. I cannot stay in the shallows too long. 

  It is a hard thing to learn that not everyone wishes to change. Some wish to stay near the hazards. Letting their boat hit up on the rocks. Damaging themselves as a trade off to venturing too far out to sea. For them the world is dark and the way long. Instead of an adventure, they see life as a struggle. To be endured, not overcome. Not all lifelines are welcomed. And not all cautions heeded. It took me time to learn this. To acknowledge that you may not see what I see. For me it is not enough to know the problem. I must then, solve it. I am not helpless. I am not small, unless I allow myself to be. I am so big I fill up my life. I will live every minute. Have purpose and direction. I will not float through things that I should be engaging in. If you too float, you know how difficult a task that is. To take your defense mechanism and lay it down. To go in without your armor, so hard won and safe. I know I will still forget sometimes. I will stray from my course and get lost in the shoals. Hopefully not for long. I must ask myself what have I done? How did I improve things today? Was I kind? Was I helpful and unselfish. It is a tall order. I sometimes forget. I get caught up in my feelings. I allow those who's opinions do not matter to effect my own thoughts. And I take back up my weapons. The ones that inflict the most harm. I throw words back at them. I point out their failings and errors. But that is not my place. It is not for me to try and correct their course. My responsibility is to myself. To be better than. Better than I was yesterday, as week ago, a month. I must grow and change and learn all the things I was not taught. 

  I must acknowledge what I lack and then try to master that skill. I must hold myself accountable. I did not come all this way, through so many storms to languish in harbor. No, I belong in the ocean. Feeling the wind and the rain. The salt and the sun. While the port maybe safe, it offers nothing of sustenance. I can take nothing from there. It is not my home. I want to do more. To be more. I will not make myself small to fit into someone else's image of what I should be. I will fill my own hollow places. With those things I treasure most. First there is love. Because love is like air. We all need it. Then, grace. Because I ask to live in it everyday and so I must allow others the same accord. Forgiveness, when need be. For myself and for others and just like Pandora's box, the last thing I carry is hope. Things will get better. Old wounds will heal. I will set out once again. I have made some changes. And more are to come. I hope you are well. That the world is treating your gently. Whether you venture out to sea or stay in port, I wish you calm waters. May your way be easy and your vision clear. 


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