There may be a trigger here.
The seeds are planted when we are young, In those first moments of fear and a washing over of dread.
Even before we have any idea what is happening, we know it is wrong. We want it to stop and we cannot make it go away. We are small. That is the beginning. Along with that beast of anger that is given charge of us, comes something more. Something far worse. A growing sense helplessness. We are powerless and we know it. It matters not if there were threats or force. The out come is the same. The level of brutality of taking what we are too young to give is the unforgivable thing. As an adult, we may find a way to forgiveness. And grace can be bestowed. But the child who was made to feel less than, they have no say. No, they have been hidden away. Locked behind steel doors. It was not done to punish them, This self banishment. No. It was meant to protect that broken souls. The child left behind in the ashes of their innocence. We do it to keep them safe. So that we cannot be touched. Oh, our bodies, we have no say over. We learn that very quickly. No we cannot rescue all of us. So, we split the difference. We take what we can carry. What will surely not be missed and we barricade the doors. Deep in our minds we retreat. We learn to hide, never dreaming at how hard it will be to find our way out. To bring these two parts of us together again.
We will travel down many of the wrong roads. Take journeys that are destine to fail even before we start out. We will try to substitute others. Trying to look for the other half. The one that we lost track of. And when we feel hollow, when we cannot take the loneliness in our own voice, we reach for others. We grapple with emotions and we tap down fear. We sacrifice all of us, just to not hear the echo of our own thoughts. But no one can take the place of that child. No one will suffice. I know this, all too well. My children came oh so close. I could almost see her. I could catch her shadow in my daughters eyes. I could hear her in my son's joyful laughter. But I could not reach her. I had ignored her for so long. Almost forgotten that she existed. Almost. Oh, I tried so many things to keep the pain of losing sight of her at bay. Nothing could take her place. How could they? I was looking for myself. I had lost touch with the child I had been and the woman I was meant to be. The one with dreams and goals. The one who smiled easily and trusted. Where had the gift of trusting gone off to? I had lost so much to the Bogeyman. How could I get her back. How could I learn to ferret out where I had left her. Had she wondered off? What if she had died? Alone. In the darkness of my mind.
Would I know? Surely, I could tell? But there was no clear sign. I had worked so hard to hide her. To keep her save. I had hidden her so well, I could not discern where she might be. It took so long. To find what needed to be found. For it to be safe again. First, I had to deal with the beast. She would not be drawn out as long as the beast roamed free. So I put a muzzle on my anger. I did not ignore it. I tamed it. I used all those years of experience in controlling myself. Those years trained up in hiding emotions. Of wearing that stone mask, so smooth and cold to the touch. I used those skills to round on my temper. To snuff it out. Yes, I could start a wild blaze. I would always have matches to spare. But, you had to be careful of the backdraft. Fires can burn beyond your control. Flames can lay claim to your humanity and make you the Bogeyman. You are on notice. Use caution. It is written right on the box. Everything is flammable when you have an angry wind. It can blow through you. Leaving nothing but a husk. A lost soul. No, there will be no fires this time. We must look for other means. We will use the strength we have. You do not believe we have strength? Oh, yes it is there. The amount of effort, the sheer will it takes to get from there to here. From the hell we came out of into the light. We will use that. We have gotten so used to wielding it like a weapon, sharp and violent, against ourselves. It is what makes us stand still, quiet. Always be quiet. When the Bogeyman comes near. Shhh...yes, you feel that? That quickening of your spirit. That rigidness in your limbs. There is strength there. Untapped.
Go and find it. You have more than you know. You do not come through the badlands without it. You could have never made it this far. So, gather it around you. Go over everything. Every hurt and pain. Mark it down. Take the sting from the barb. Let it all go. Drain it all out. Leave not a trace behind. We have no use for that here. It is a poison we have suckled on too long. Let it go. Move on past all of it. Every bad thing. They do not own you. They have taken too much. When it is safe, when the waters are calm, she will come. I know it. We will play hide and seek and I am sure to win. I know how to find her. That child that I was. I can see her in the face reflected in the mirror. In the laughter that is not forced. That tumbles out unexpectedly. She is there. There is no more need to stash her away. She no cause to fear. I can protect us. She is me and I am her and we are one in the same. Finally, we are one in the same.