Tuesday, October 16, 2012

So Maybe I am Not Crazy

  Okay, I meant to share this yesterday, but I got caught up in sorrow and had to just let it wash over me  before moving on. I found a study while looking for something else. Which is really how my life works. I often stumble on what I need while looking for what I want. Harvard conducted a study of adults who were sexually abused as children. There was a startling finding. Sexual abuse cause brain damage in children. They believe it is the stress of the encounters. It causes the Hippocampus to shrink. Now, the hippocampus is deep in the brain, towards the base and it is important. The effects of this damage are things like short term memory lose, need for more sleep. Easily and overly effected by stress. Becoming overly emotional in response to events. I will put a link right here:http://garnetbird.hubpages.com/hub/Childhood-Sexual-Abuse-Causes-Physical-Brain-Damage-A-New-Alarming-Study

Go read this. The more we understand, the more we learn the better we will be at overcoming and acceptance. I find this study empowering. It gives me insight into myself and helps me to better manage my responses. I do not feel quiet so crazy. In those times when I get that rush of adrenaline. That blinding anger over such tiny things. There was a time when being cut off in traffic, bumped into (specially someone I do not know touching me) would send me into a hurricane of emotion. A torrent of negative thoughts and feelings. I was on a roller coaster of over reactions and withdrawals from others. It was a torment. It is just like a phantom pain that comes and goes. Every time you go to the Doctor's it disappears. Leaving you frustrated. Unable to explain it, but knowing it will be back. Now, I have an answer. I am not unhinged. I am damaged, but I am not crazy.

  I am excited by this prospect. There is a physical answer to how I feel and cope. How I interact with the world. those traits that so many of us exhibit have a shared cause. I will not use this as an excuse. It is not a reason to behave poorly. It is not my crutch. I will address it. Acknowledge it. And work within
it's perimeters. The next time I feel that flood of anxiety and unreasonable fear or anger, I will hold back. Treat my emotions, reactions with caution. Remember that my response may not be justified. This is my goal. I cannot change the facts of things. I cannot erase the damage. However, I do not have to be a prisoner of them. I am not a victim. We can learn from this. We can help each other. We can change or life and in doing so the world. It is possible. I know it. I am doing it for myself, for those I love and those I may never meet. If I can do this, broken, flawed as I am, I know you can to. We can take this information and educate others. We can help those who have no experience with our shared past pain understand us.

  I will continue to read up on all these things. I thought I knew everything about abuse. I have experienced so much. I thought there was nothing new to learn and certainly nothing I wanted to delve into. I was hiding. Ignoring the facts. Choosing to life in denial in an attempt to lessen my pain. I did not want to dwell there in the valley. I knew all the facts and felt there was nothing more to be cleaned from reliving it all. How wrong I was. I can look back now, on all that had happened. Every betrayal and hurt and it is okay. I am at peace with it. I have found a way to both accept my past and move into the future. I am no longer stuck. All those times I had thought I was finally through it. I had come to terms as long as nothing tripped me up. I am reminded of my words written in my first entry here. The ones that said I was fine as long as my mother did not call. It has been three short months, but the distance I have traveled is years. I have shot past negative triggers and self loathing. Moved swiftly beyond blame. Oh, I am sure sadness will still come. I will draw low, but that is life my friend. We all experience these things. There will always be sorrow and regrets. But, for today, right now, I feel none of that while remembering my past.

  And hopefully, it the walls hold, the things that hurt me today, will not spill into those wounds from long ago. I wish you the same. Acknowledge your scars. Mark down the pain and then once again I say, I will always say, sail on.

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