Friday, October 12, 2012
So, as some of you may know...in writing this down, I have gained almost 20 pounds...Yeah not good. So I have been thinking about this as I start to work on taking that literal weight off. I find it ironic that as I finally leave the burden of carrying all of this, that as I did it, I was putting more of load on me. I have pondered this. I have very rarely been heavy. I have only carried extra weight after giving birth to my daughter. So even as I was feeling guilty and not even enjoying the junk I was eating, I kept right on eating. I ate for almost three months straight. Things I would never normally eat. Things I don't even like. I could not figure it out. I was becoming a mystery to me. Now, this could not continue. It is both unhealthy and irrational. I have been puzzling over this. And today, as I was pushing my grocery cart with Edgar, it hit me. I had an epiphany. I was eating all the things I was never allowed as a child.
I so vividly remember laying side by side with my younger brother and whispering to each other all the things we would eat "someday." We were never allowed junk food. And when we went to bed with no dinner, we would pass the time as we tried to sleep thinking of things other kids got to eat. Ice cream sundaes and banana splits, pastries and donuts. We tortured ourselves those nights. In a dark room that I can find so easily now. And as is my way, as soon as I had figured out what it was all really about, I could let it go. I will lose this extra me, that I have no place in my life for. Not because I am against curves. Because I do not like the way I look or feel. So, I will change. Because this is my life and I have the power. You see, I am still traveling on my journey. Still discovering new places in my mind. Examining my own motives and calling myself out.
I have been eating only good things and I made myself go out. To leave my comfortable place right here and move. I am very sure it will come off slower than it came on. Isn't it always that way. But, I plan on being here and being my best self. I owe the child I carry with me that. She deserves that. I think very clearly when I exercise and so that is what is next. I will spend sometime on my outside as I continue remodeling on the inside. I hope you are happy with your and your renovations. If not, you as always, are not alone. We are all in our own boats and we can drift with the current or we can hoist our sales and move on. We do not have to stay anywhere we do not want to. It is a choice. I hope you know that.
And now, I must come back around, and reexamine some things. Grace and forgiveness are not interchangeable. Two very different birds sitting in the same nest. Forgiveness comes when a affront is made right. A wrong is corrected. It is recognized, acknowledged. And then it is let go. There is a give and take. Now, some will say no. That forgiveness can be given with no remorse. That is not forgiveness, that is Grace. Grace is the ideal I aspire to. I have prayed so many times in my life, to live in Grace. I have beseeched and pleaded. I will say I was wrong. I am mistaken. Many times I see it and I must go and make an apology. Yet, just as often, I cannot. For any number of reasons, I cannot right the ship on my own. And so I take it up with my God. I use faith. That well worn stone. So small and perfectly formed. I pull it out of my pocket and rub my fingers across it's smooth surface. I would tumble it over and over as I say the words. And a peace will come over me. I lay it down. I cannot carry everything and it is not meant that I do.
We are not beasts, but we may harbor them. We do not have to feed them. We do not have to let them run wild in our lives. They can only cause us pain. Damage everything that we create. Inflict wounds to ourselves and those whom love us most. And we can stop it. The choice is ours. We are worth so much more. We are meant to be so much more. I still have not found Grace. I will still keep looking. It is the thing I aspire to achieve. Not because my mother deserves it. She does not. She carries on in her rag tag vessel. Never mending her sails. Never plugging the wholes in her small, small boat. She bails the water out and in rushes in faster. If she will not change, she will sink. I cannot stop that. It is not mine to do. I long to be able to give Grace, that thing I treasure so completely. I am going to go searching again. I will have to puzzle it some more. Because it is who I want to be. I strive to be that being. To be so close to my faith, so true in my beliefs that I can pardon the unpardonable. I do not wish to have a relationship with my mother. That is not possible. I cannot suspend reality enough for that. There was a time when my desire for a family, my need for a mother, caused me to turn a blind eye to her. To try to forget the things that must be given their due.
It is about me. What I want me to be. So, I will take that map and look for the X that marks the spot. And take the shovel that I lay down and find that magical chest which holds that golden peace, more valuable than anything in this life. I wish the same for you dear friend. Travel safe, the way is long and there will always be storms. However, if we lose are way, we have these markers to come back to. I am leaving them here for you and also for me. Just incase I forget these things so important and hard won. We are not alone. We are strong. We are brave and we sail on.
Posted by Chele at 1:09 AM